By Chad “ anal Probe” McAnus, Extraterrestrial Affairs Correspondent
May 9th, 2026 – Washington, D.C.
In a long-awaited disclosure that has sent shockwaves through trailer parks and divorced men nationwide, the Pentagon has finally confirmed that many of the invasive anal probes reported over the last several decades were, in fact, conducted by extraterrestrials — and not, as previously assumed, by your sketchy roommate Tyrone.
“Yes, the files are real,” said a visibly uncomfortable Pentagon spokesman during a sparsely attended press briefing. “The anal probes were not part of any secret government program, nor were they the result of Tyrone’s ‘experimental phase’ in 2019. We now believe these incidents were carried out by non-human intelligences with extremely poor boundaries.”
The revelation has left thousands of middle-aged men in existential crisis.
“I always knew something felt off about that night in the woods,” said 47-year-old Kevin Brubaker of Toledo, Ohio, while nervously adjusting his trucker hat. “Tyrone swore it was just him and a flashlight, but the glowing orbs and the floating thing were a pretty big clue. I owe that man an apology… and probably some therapy.”
Conspiracy theorists are calling it the biggest “I told you so” in human history, while ex-wives across America are texting their former husbands with nothing but the laughing emoji and the words “Told you so, you fucking liar.”
The newly declassified files reportedly contain detailed diagrams, blurry photos of what can only be described as “government-issue alien butt stuff,” and one particularly haunting note that reads: “Subject kept asking if we were Tyrone. We are not Tyrone.”
When asked why the government waited decades to come clean, officials explained they were “waiting for the statute of limitations on Tyrone-related lawsuits to expire.”
As of press time, support groups for “Men Who Were Probably Probed By Aliens” are forming in church basements nationwide, and Tyrone has reportedly gone into hiding after receiving several very awkward apology texts.
The truth really is out there. And apparently it has cold hands and zero respect for personal space.
