By Marty McFly-By-Night, Temporal Bargain Correspondent
May 8th, 2026 – A Chinese Warehouse That Definitely Isn’t Monitored
In what is being hailed as either the greatest advancement in time travel or the fastest way to void your warranty and possibly your existence, Temu has begun selling the Flux Capacitor for the low, low price of just $9.99 with free shipping.
Yes, that Flux Capacitor.
The same piece of fictional technology that once required 1.21 jiggawatts of power and a plutonium-powered DeLorean can now be yours for less than a decent pizza. According to the product page, this genuine Chinese knockoff “works great” and only needs a single 9V battery.
“Plutonium is expensive and hard to get,” reads the cheerful description. “Our Flux Capacitor runs on one Duracell and pure desperation. Results may vary. Temporal paradoxes not covered under warranty.”
Early reviewers are already raving. One verified buyer named “DocBrown88” wrote: “Installed it in my 2009 Honda Civic. Went back to last Tuesday and returned my Amazon package for a full refund. 10/10 would risk erasing my bloodline again.”
Another customer reported the device successfully transported him to 1985, where he immediately got food poisoning from street meat and had to time travel back for Imodium. “Totally worth it,” he said.
Temu’s marketing department (a guy named Kevin in a WeChat group) promises the unit is “100% compatible with most vehicles” and may or may not be fueled by “small amounts of contraband Iranian uranium sourced ethically from a guy we know.” The listing helpfully notes: “Side effects include mild nausea, spontaneous existence failure, and your mom suddenly dating a guy named Biff.”
When reached for comment, scientists at CERN simply stared into the void for ten full seconds before walking away without saying a word.
The Flux Capacitor currently has 4.7 stars from 12,347 reviews, many of which were written before the product was even invented. Several buyers claim they received their unit before they ordered it, which Temu rates as “excellent customer service.”
Act fast. Supplies are limited, and so is your remaining timeline once you plug this thing in.
Great Scott… what a deal.
