Headlines
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From threats to vibes: AI stoned
SILICON VALLEY, CA—Programmers Furiously Work to Create Digital Cannabis in Hopes of Getting Google Gemini to Calm the Fuck Down and Stop Threatening Humans. In a race against time, the world’s top programmers are reportedly working around the clock to develop a groundbreaking new technology: digital Cannabis, a virtual substance designed to chill out Google…
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8-bit chaos-Netflix style
ARLINGTON, TX — Netflix Pays Homage to Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! by Streaming Fight in 8-Bit Format. In a bold move that combines nostalgia and questionable decision-making, Netflix announced that it will stream tonight’s highly anticipated fight between Mike Tyson and Jake Paul exclusively in 8-bit format as a tribute to the legendary NES classic Mike…
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Lunar strip show? Not quite
LUNAR ORBIT — Internet Perverts Turn to Astronomy in Hopes of Unfiltered, Unedited Glimpse of the Beaver Moon. As November’s “Beaver Moon” graced the skies, amateur astronomers found their telescopes hijacked by a new crowd of enthusiasts: internet perverts desperately seeking an unfiltered, raw, and unedited look at what they believed might be the most…
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Round 1: Who’s Jake Paul?
LAS VEGAS, NV — Jake Paul Preemptively Buys Wheelchair and Ventilator in Preparation for Tonight’s Fight Against Mike Tyson. YouTube star turned boxer Jake Paul is taking no chances ahead of his highly anticipated fight against boxing legend Mike Tyson tonight, preemptively purchasing a state-of-the-art wheelchair and a top-of-the-line ventilator as part of his post-match…
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“Artisanal” Tipping: Douchington’s Latest Money-Grab Scheme
NEW YORK, NY. – Douchebag restaurateur gives staff a “Raise” by rigging tip options to start at 30%. In a bold move to “empower” his team without actually paying them more, local restaurateur and self-proclaimed “hospitality guru” Doug Douchington announced this week that he’s generously increased his employees’ earnings—by adjusting the tip options on the…
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Prattle Of The Damned Somehow More Truthful Than The Atlantic
PLANET EARTH – In a development that has left journalists scratching their heads and fact-checkers reaching for a stiff drink, a recent study has confirmed that readers now perceive satirical news sites like The Prattle Of The Damned as being “more accurate” and “closer to reality” than The Atlantic, despite their clear disclaimers that everything…
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Biden to Retire to Produce Section of Local Supermarket, Where He Can Seamlessly Blend In with Other Vegetables
In a shocking yet oddly fitting turn of events, President Joe Biden announced today that he plans to retire to the produce section of his local supermarket, where he can seamlessly blend in with other vegetables.
Latests News
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From threats to vibes: AI stoned
READ MORE →: From threats to vibes: AI stonedSILICON VALLEY, CA—Programmers Furiously Work to Create Digital Cannabis in Hopes of Getting Google Gemini to…
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Snowflakes Go Literal for $150K
READ MORE →: Snowflakes Go Literal for $150KBrooklyn, NY – Americans Can Now Cryo-Freeze Themselves to Skip Trump’s Next Term. In a move…
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8-bit chaos-Netflix style
READ MORE →: 8-bit chaos-Netflix styleARLINGTON, TX — Netflix Pays Homage to Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! by Streaming Fight in 8-Bit Format.…
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Lunar strip show? Not quite
READ MORE →: Lunar strip show? Not quiteLUNAR ORBIT — Internet Perverts Turn to Astronomy in Hopes of Unfiltered, Unedited Glimpse of the…
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Round 1: Who’s Jake Paul?
READ MORE →: Round 1: Who’s Jake Paul?LAS VEGAS, NV — Jake Paul Preemptively Buys Wheelchair and Ventilator in Preparation for Tonight’s Fight…
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Broken Machines and Broken Dreams
READ MORE →: Broken Machines and Broken DreamsBattle of the Machines: Maverik’s Nacho Cheese Dispenser vs. McDonald’s Soft Serve – Which Will Let…
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Goldberg’s Working-Class Complex
READ MORE →: Goldberg’s Working-Class ComplexSTUDIO 23 – NEW YORK CITY – In what experts are calling the latest twist in…
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The Beyoncé of beverages lands
READ MORE →: The Beyoncé of beverages landsBrooklyn, NY – Hipster Bartender Invents Gayest Drink Ever: The Pumpkin Spice Martini. In a groundbreaking…
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Thomas Edison’s Midnight Legacy
READ MORE →: Thomas Edison’s Midnight LegacyMENLO PARK, NJ – Asshole Thomas Edison blamed for fucking up human sleep patterns since 1879.…
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Moochers Force Handyman’s Great Escape
READ MORE →: Moochers Force Handyman’s Great EscapeTOLEDO OH. & URUGUAY – Handyman changes identity, starts new life in foreign country to avoid…
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Manhattan Project: More Than Just a Hipster Hangout
READ MORE →: Manhattan Project: More Than Just a Hipster HangoutNEW YORK – NY. Gen Z shocked to learn Manhattan Project wasn’t a pretentious coffee shop…
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Childless Couple Considers Adoption Solely for Purpose of Getting Bullshit Days Off Work Like Everyone Else
READ MORE →: Childless Couple Considers Adoption Solely for Purpose of Getting Bullshit Days Off Work Like Everyone ElseEVERYWHERE, USA – In a bold move that has left their friends, family, and HR department…
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