WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an unprecedented move reflecting both respect for international diplomacy and the timeless courtesy of “quiet hours,” world leaders have been asked to tone down their global crises, urgent summits, and spontaneous acts of aggression after 8 PM Eastern Time, ensuring President Joe Biden can get his much-needed sleep.
The decision was made during a clandestine Zoom meeting, where the consensus was that the leader of the free world deserves to wind down with a warm glass of milk and a rerun of “Matlock” without the pesky interference of geopolitical drama.
“We recognize the importance of President Biden’s bedtime routine,” commented Chancellor Angela Merkel, holding up a pajama set adorned with tiny NATO flags. “International tensions can wait until morning. After all, the man needs his eight hours.”
French President Emmanuel Macron, speaking from his bunker-turned-bedroom, added, “We have agreed to reschedule any and all surprise missile tests, coup attempts, and alien invasions to a more convenient hour—preferably when Biden has had his breakfast and read his daily comic strip.
Russian President Vladimir Putin, not one to miss a chance at competitive camaraderie, has even proposed a “global quiet time” initiative. “We must all be considerate. No one wants to be the country that accidentally wakes up Joe,” said Putin, showcasing his new line of KGB-approved noise-canceling headphones.
The White House, for its part, has been quick to express its appreciation. Press Secretary, Karine Jean-Pierre appearing visibly relieved, noted, “We are grateful for the international community’s understanding. President Biden has a strict bedtime schedule. By 7:30, it’s slippers on, teeth brushed, and in bed with a copy of ‘Goodnight Moon’.”
Critics, however, are skeptical. “This is just another example of Western decadence,” claimed North Korea’s Kim Jong-un in a pre-recorded message played at ear-splitting volume. “In Pyongyang, we never sleep. We remain vigilant and loud, always ready to disturb the peace with our enthusiastic propaganda karaoke.”
The policy has already seen mixed results. While British Prime Minister Kier Starmer vowed to “keep the volume at a dull roar,” Chinese President Xi Jinping reportedly hosted a midnight fireworks display to celebrate his latest infrastructure project, ensuring the world that he, too, respects Biden’s sleep but believes in the “healing power of surprise.”
Back in Washington, the first signs of global quiet hours were felt last night. As the clock struck eight, the UN headquarters hushed, the Pentagon’s lights dimmed, and CNN commentators began whispering. President Biden, blissfully unaware of the muted chaos outside, reportedly slept soundly, dreaming of a world where international diplomacy could be resolved over a cozy bedtime story.
In related news, the Secret Service has announced that “lullaby patrols” will now be deployed to ensure that even the most aggressive of dictators sing softly.
Stay tuned as the world adjusts to this new era of considerate conflict and bedtime diplomacy.
Biden’s Bedtime: World Leaders Warned Biden’s Bedtime: World Leaders Warned
