CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a move so radical it’s practically Marxist (but without the free lattes), several prominent colleges across the nation have announced a shocking shift in focus: offering actual education. Yes, you read that right. Apparently, after decades of prioritizing impassioned protests over, you know, pesky things like lectures and textbooks, these bastions of higher learning seem to be rediscovering the forgotten art of, well, teaching stuff.
“We understand this may come as a surprise,” stammered a visibly nervous Dean Butterfield of Cambridge University, clutching a well-worn copy of “Calculus for Dummies.” “For years, our primary objective has been fostering a vibrant environment of… uh… spirited debate. But recent alumni surveys suggest a concerning lack of basic knowledge about, say, the Pythagorean Theorem or the periodic table.”
The news has been met with mixed reactions. Students, accustomed to a steady diet of campus protests and guest speakers whose expertise lies solely in being very angry about something, are understandably confused. “Wait, so we’re supposed to learn things here?” mumbled a bewildered sophomore, clutching a half-empty bottle of kombucha. “Isn’t that what high school was for?”
Professors, on the other hand, seem cautiously optimistic. “It’s been a while since I’ve actually lectured on a topic unrelated to dismantling the patriarchy,” chuckled Dr. Weathers of the History department, dusting off his tweed jacket and a stack of dusty textbooks. “Who knows, maybe we can even discuss, you know, actual historical events, not just how they relate to the current student loan crisis.”
While the long-term effects of this shocking turn of events remain to be seen, one thing is certain: the college bookstore is bracing for a surge in sales of… dare we say it… actual textbooks. As for the fate of the campus free speech zones? Well, those might just have to be repurposed for something truly radical – like, gasp, studying.
You Guessed it Learning, You Guessed it Learning
