WASHINGTON D.C. — In a shocking twist to the ongoing fiscal crisis, sources close to the Department of the Treasury have revealed that Janet Yellen, in a last ditch effort to save the nation from economic collapse, has been spending significant office hours on CreditKarma.com, fervently searching for someone willing to offer a debt consolidation loan to the United States for the modest sum of $35 trillion.
“It was like watching a car crash in slow motion,” said one unnamed source who witnessed the Secretary scrolling through online loan options with a mix of hope and despair. “We all knew things were bad, but I never thought we’d be resorting to applying for credit cards with 0% APR to cover our national deficit.”
The Secretary reportedly spent entire days inputting the U.S. government’s financial details into various online forms, only to be greeted by increasingly exasperated customer service representatives. “Every time we applied, we got an immediate, automated rejection message. Something about ‘insufficient credit score’ and ‘extreme risk of default,’” said one aide who requested anonymity due to the sensitive nature of the situation. “Honestly, I think even the Nigerian prince scams are starting to get cautious around us.”
In a move that has left financial experts scratching their heads, the Treasury Secretary also reportedly began frequenting online personal finance forums, asking strangers for advice on how to “repair a seriously broken credit score” and “make ends meet when your annual budget is over $35 trillion in the red.” Despite receiving numerous suggestions to cut back on unnecessary spending and live within one’s means, the Secretary’s attempts to reallocate federal expenditures towards more manageable expenses such as “a dozen new super yachts” and “a solid year’s supply of gold-plated toilet seats” have been less than successful.
The situation escalated further when the Secretary allegedly tried to negotiate with online payday loan companies, offering collateral in the form of “landmarks like the Grand Canyon and the Statue of Liberty.” Unfortunately, these proposals were also met with unflattering responses, with one loan company spokesperson bluntly stating, “We don’t even accept national monuments as collateral. They’re really hard to repossess if needed.”
In an ironic twist, the Treasury Secretary has reportedly been inundated with promotional emails from online lenders offering “Instant Credit Repair Kits” and “Exclusive Offers for High-Risk Clients,” many of which are currently being printed out and pinned to a “Vision Board” in the Secretary’s office, presumably to inspire hope in these dark financial times.
As the situation continues to unfold, political analysts are left wondering if the Secretary’s next move might involve soliciting financial support through a viral crowdfunding campaign. “I wouldn’t be surprised if we see a GoFundMe page pop up soon,” said one expert. “I mean, if anyone can make raising $35 trillion look like a grassroots movement, it’s probably our government.”
In the meantime, the nation waits with bated breath to see if a miraculous financial windfall will come to the rescue—or if the next update will involve Secretary Yellen selling ad space on the Capitol Dome.
Yellen Allegedly Surfing CreditKarma for Consolidation Loan Yellen Allegedly Surfing CreditKarma for Consolidation Loan
