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WEST VALLEY CITY, UT – In what can only be described as a cosmic joke on the entire music industry, Post Malone kicked off his tour at the Utah First Credit Union Amphitheatre last night (formerly USANA, but hey, corporate America’s gotta eat, right?) and… wait for it… apparently, he’s now a country artist? Yeah, you read that right. The man known for *Sunflower* and face tattoos has assimilated into Utah’s collective consciousness of country music.
Move over, Hootie. This is *Postie* and the cowboy hat fiasco.
The evening started like any other Post Malone show. The crowd, a mix of Gen Z TikTokers and millennials desperately clinging to their youth, gathered expecting the usual. Maybe a couple of deep cuts from *Beerbongs & Bentleys*, a lot of Auto-Tune, and enough beer cans tossed into the air to drown a small town. But no—out walks Post, boots on, strumming a guitar, looking like he just escaped a rodeo.
“Howdy y’all,” he said, twanging out his vowels like he’d been hanging out at a Nashville Waffle House for the last six months. The crowd blinked, confused, before a lone voice from the front row yelled, “Wait… are we in the right concert?”
Post didn’t miss a beat. “You’re damn right you are. I’ve just been sucked into Utah’s country music *borg*,” he said, barely holding back a grin. “Figured I’d slap on some boots and ride it out.”
Cue nervous laughter. Was this a joke? Was he trolling us? Nope, not at all. He launched into a bizarrely convincing rendition of Garth Brooks’ *Friends in Low Places*, followed by an acoustic mashup of *Circles* and a George Strait ballad. The crowd, clearly in shock, started to go with it. After all, what choice did they have? You don’t fight the Utah hive mind. Resistance is futile, folks.
By the end of the night, Post was two-stepping across the stage, a cowboy hat tilted so far to the side it was barely on his head, as fans swayed, cups in hand, wondering how their hip-hop hero had morphed into a honky-tonk outlaw in the span of 90 minutes.
“See y’all at the next rodeo,” he winked as he left the stage, fully immersed in his new country alter-ego. One thing’s for sure: Post Malone may have left Utah, but Utah sure hasn’t left Post Malone.
It’s like Hootie all over again. Sigh.
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