Washington D.C. – With Social Security teetering on the edge of insolvency, the ever-resourceful U.S. government has unveiled a “solution” so outlandish it sounds ripped from a Bernie Madoff instructional manual: The “Grandperson Pyramid.” This, ahem, “innovative” program reimagines Social Security as a multi-level marketing scheme specifically for senior citizens.
“We needed a way to keep the program afloat without, you know, actually raising taxes on the wealthy,” explained a visibly uncomfortable Treasury Secretary Penny Pincher. “The Grandperson Pyramid offers a win-win situation: seniors get a steady stream of income, and younger generations…well, let’s just say they learn valuable lessons about the power of early enrollment.”
The Grandperson Pyramid operates much like a classic Ponzi scheme, but with bingo nights and denture cleaner instead of fraudulent investments. Here’s the gist:
- Healthy Sign-Ups: New retirees join at the bottom, their initial deposits keeping payouts flowing to those already in the system.
- Upline Benefits: Seniors who recruit new retirees move up the pyramid, earning a cut of their recruits’ deposits. Think Tupperware parties, but with prune juice and adult diapers.
- The Inevitable Collapse: This scheme, much like a house of cards built on tapioca pudding, is inherently unsustainable. When the current population of retirees inevitably dies off, the whole thing comes crashing down, leaving everyone with nothing but a lifetime supply of denture adhesive and existential dread.
Critics, unsurprisingly, are skeptical.
“This is a recipe for elder abuse wrapped in a discount leisure suit,” said AARP spokesperson Mildred Caution. “Turning Social Security into a pyramid scheme preys on the most vulnerable members of our society.”
“I don’t understand how this is any different from the current Social Security System” grumbles Otto McPensions, a member of the local Fraternal Order of Elks club. “A Ponzi scheme by any other name is still Social Security”.
Undeterred, the government is launching a nationwide marketing campaign featuring sprightly octogenarians gleefully hawking the Grandperson Pyramid from the backs of mobility scooters. Slogans include: “Retire in Style! Recruit Your Friends!” and “Don’t Be a Square, Join the Pyramid!”
Financial experts predict a surge in denture-related injuries as seniors scramble to climb the pyramid’s slippery ranks. Only time will tell if the Grandperson Pyramid will become the next social security disaster or the ultimate retirement hustle. But one thing’s for sure: bingo nights are about to get a whole lot more competitive.
Uncle Sam’s Pyramid Scheme: Invest or We Die uncle sam’s pyramid scheme: invest of we die
