BOISE, ID – In a development that should surprise exactly no one who has ever stepped foot inside a middle school bathroom, local teenager Billy “Blaze” Miller (14) has learned a valuable lesson about the limitations of divine intervention and the structural integrity of Salvation Army trumpets.
Billy, a budding entrepreneur with a keen eye for turning thrift store finds into questionable smoking devices, met his entrepreneurial Waterloo this weekend after attempting to repurpose a particularly rusty trumpet into a “high-class” (his words) bong.
“I saw it and I was like, ‘Whoa, this is destiny calling,’” Billy explained, sheepishly clutching a singed washcloth to his singed eyebrow. “Like, a golden trumpet from the holy land of the Salvation Army? This is gonna be the smoothest sesh ever.”
Unfortunately for Billy, the only smoothness he experienced was the rapid descent of molten brass down his unsuspecting face. “Turns out, trumpets aren’t exactly built to withstand the fiery wrath of non stop toking,” he conceded, his voice tinged with the faintest whiff of regret.
Medical professionals are unsurprised. “We see these kinds of injuries all the time,” said Dr. Mary “Mend-a-Bong” McFlufferton, a leading expert in adolescent bong-related mishaps. “Teenagers seem to have this unshakeable belief that a cheap, rusty instrument from a thrift store will somehow magically transform into a top-shelf smoking apparatus.”
The secondhand retail industry, however, is taking the incident in stride. “Look, we can’t exactly put a giant neon sign over every rusty trumpet that says ‘DO NOT INHALE BURNING METAL,’” said a spokesperson for the Salvation Army, stifling a laugh. “But hey, at least the kid learned a valuable lesson, right?”
Billy, sporting a rather fetching bandage across his eyebrow, remains optimistic. “Maybe next time I’ll stick to, you know, actual bongs,” he mumbled, eyeing a dusty clarinet with suspicion.
Experts advise parents to keep an eye out for any suspicious tinkering with household brass instruments. Teenagers, on the other hand, are encouraged to stick to store-bought smoking devices (or, you know, maybe just fresh air). After all, there’s a reason why discount trumpets end up at the Salvation Army in the first place.
Teenager Makes Shocking Salvation Army Discovery Teenager maked shocking salvation army discovery
