SEATTLE, WA – In a move that surprised absolutely no one, tech billionaire Bill Gates has single-handedly crippled the global airline industry in a desperate bid to get back to his “favorite vacation spot.” Gates, notorious for hoarding wealth like a squirrel stockpiling acorns, reportedly rolled out another shitty Windows update, this time bringing numerous airlines to a screeching halt.
“These airlines have been treating me like cattle for far too long,” Gates declared from his yacht, which conveniently happened to be docked off the very island he’s desperate to reach. “First, they make me sit in coach if I don’t book six months in advance, then they charge extra for peanuts! It’s an outrage!”
Gates, who has the means to fly via private jet, has recently stopped doing so altogether due to environmental concerns and advise from his frugal fellow billionaire buddy, Warren Buffet.
Sources say Gates’s tantrum began after a particularly harrowing flight delay, during which he was forced to share a leg rest with a “commoner” who dared to recline their seat. Witnesses report Gates shrieking, “Do you have any idea who I am?! I practically invented internet porn!”
Airline executives, desperate to salvage their businesses, have attempted to appease Gates with a plethora of outlandish offers. These include renaming all economy seats to “Executive Class,” offering complimentary caviar service on all flights, and even installing a solid gold slide on every airplane (safety concerns are, of course, “being addressed”).
However, Gates remains resolute. “The only thing that will satisfy me is a direct flight from SEATAC to Epstein Island, no questions asked,” he stated, before tossing a wadded-up $100 bill at a passing seagull.
The situation has left millions of travelers stranded worldwide, with airports resembling refugee camps and disgruntled passengers chanting, “We want beaches!” and “Bring back peanuts!” Many experts predict the airline industry may never fully recover from Gates’s tirade, with one economist stating, “This could be the final nail in the coffin for coach class. On the bright side, maybe this will finally incentivize people to learn how to sail.”
At press time, Gates was spotted attempting to water-ski behind his yacht using a team of interns as human jet skis.
Tech Billionaire Holds Airlines Hostage for Island Tech Billionaire Holds Airlines Hostage for Island
