WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold new escalation of his trade wars, former President Donald Trump announced this week a tariff that charges a fee on every single scam call originating from India— a policy economists predict will generate “trillions of dollars, if not infinite money.”
“Every time you get a call about your car’s extended warranty, America wins,” Trump declared at a rally, waving a flip phone that began buzzing mid-speech. “This one’s from Mumbai. That’s five bucks for us. I just made money while talking. Nobody’s ever done that before.”
The plan, dubbed Operation Spam & Prosper, sets a $5 levy on robocalls and a $10 surcharge if the scammer uses the phrase “Microsoft Technical Support.” Telemarketers reading from fake IRS scripts will incur a premium rate of $25, with a discount available for bulk scams of over 1,000 calls per day.
Economists are already hailing the initiative as the most reliable cash cow in U.S. history. “We’ve spent decades chasing tax revenue, but the true fountain of wealth was hiding in our voicemails all along,” said Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen. “This program will not only eliminate the national debt, it may allow us to buy Canada.”
Call centers across India, meanwhile, are reportedly in chaos. “This is devastating,” said Rajesh Kumar, a self-described “warranty extension consultant.” “At this rate, America will have all the money, and we’ll have nothing but millions of unused scripts that start with, ‘Hello sir, how are you doing today?’”
At press time, the Federal Communications Commission confirmed the first week of tariffs had already raised $18 trillion, most of it during lunch hours when elderly Americans answered their phones.
