Cleveland, OH – In a development that will make teenagers everywhere reconsider their internet research skills, a local suicide pact was averted this weekend after the participants became confused about the rules of Russian Roulette.
The incident involved three high school sophomores, Tiffany “Tears” Taylor, Kevin “Woe is Me” Miller, and Brenda “Bland” Baker, who planned a dramatic end to their “unbearably meaningless” lives.
“We found instructions online,” sniffled Tiffany, wiping away a stray tear (that may or may not have been strategically placed). “It said something about a gun, some bullets, and a whole lot of finality.”
Unfortunately, the teens, lacking both firearms and a clear understanding of metaphors, stumbled across instructions for another classic game of chance, something called “spin the bottle”.
“We figured, same difference, right?” shrugged Kevin, adjusting his eyeliner with a practiced hand. “Spin the bottle, whoever it lands on…well, you know…”
Thankfully, the bottle, in a twist of dramatic irony, landed on Brenda, who, upon learning her “dare” was supposed to be a kiss, not a fatal bullet wound, erupted into a fit of giggles.
“A kiss? That’s it? We almost ended it all for a stupid peck?” Brenda shrieked, mascara streaming down her face.
The near-death experience has left the teens with a newfound appreciation for life (and the importance of using Google Scholar for sensitive searches).
“Maybe life isn’t so bad after all,” mused Tiffany, tentatively reaching for a slice of leftover pizza. “At least we don’t have to worry about accidentally blowing our brains out.”
Mental health experts are cautiously optimistic about the turn of events.
“Dodging a bullet, literally and metaphorically, can be a real wake-up call,” Dr. Perky Peppyton, a therapist specializing in teenage angst (and the misuse of metaphors), explained. “Perhaps this will inspire them to find more constructive ways to channel their dramatic energy.”
The future of Tiffany, Kevin, and Brenda remains uncertain. But one thing’s for sure: their next sleepover will likely involve rom-coms and face masks, not existential dread and poorly researched online dares.
Suicide Pact Fizzles After Internet Search Confusion Suicide Pact Fizzles After Internet Search Confusion
