Starbucks’ Flavor Crimes Continue
SEATTLE, WA – In a move that has sent shockwaves through the coffee-loving community, Starbucks has announced its plans to unleash a new wave of horrifyingly flavored beverages upon an unsuspecting public. The coffee giant, notorious for its questionable seasonal offerings, is set to once again push the boundaries of taste with a lineup of drinks so vile they could be used as chemical warfare.
Insiders report that this year’s menu will feature such delicacies as the “Pumpkin Spice Everything Bagel Latte,” a concoction that promises to combine the worst aspects of breakfast and dessert into a single, horrifying package. Also on tap is the “Maple Bacon Chai,” a drink that will undoubtedly cause existential crises among those brave enough to try it. And for those who enjoy the taste of regret, there’s the “Sweet Potato Pie Frappuccino,” a sickly sweet sludge that will leave you questioning your life choices.
“We’re excited to once again challenge the limits of human palate,” said a Starbucks spokesperson, who clearly has no soul. “Our goal is to create flavors so offensive that people will beg us for a taste of plain black coffee.”
While some customers have expressed cautious optimism, hoping that perhaps this year’s offerings will be a departure from the usual pumpkin-spiced nightmare, most are bracing themselves for the inevitable disappointment. Support groups for those traumatized by previous Starbucks seasonal drinks have already reported a surge in new members.
As the fall season approaches, coffee lovers everywhere are left to wonder: Will Starbucks ever learn? Or will they continue to inflict their culinary atrocities on the world? Only time will tell.
Starbucks’ Flavor Crimes Continue Starbucks’ Flavor Crimes Continue As the fall season approaches, coffee lovers everywhere are left to wonder: Will Starbucks ever learn? Or will they continue to inflict their culinary atrocities on the world? Only time will tell.
