LOS ANGELES, CA – In a move that surprises literally no one, Californians have embraced a brand new spiritual path: Crystal Methodism. This burgeoning religion, founded by a “recovering businessman” named Chad “Enlightened” Brogan, revolves around the sacred practice of “crystal communion” – a daily ritual involving a specific type of highly-regulated “sacrament.”
“Crystal Methodism is all about inner peace, man,” explained Brogan, adjusting his tie-dye robe to reveal suspicious scratch marks on his neck. “When you achieve spiritual enlightenment through the crystal, you just… detach from the material world, you know?”
The religion’s core tenet – “Thou Shalt Not Be Denied Thine High” – has resonated deeply with Californians struggling under the state’s exorbitant healthcare costs. Crystal Methodism cleverly exploits a little-known tax loophole that allows religious organizations to deduct the cost of “sacramental supplies” from their taxes. Unsurprisingly, Crystal Methodist churches have sprung up faster than avocado toast stands at a Coachella afterparty.
“Look, I ain’t saying this religion is all sunshine and rainbows,” admitted one enthusiastic convert, a young woman with glitter tattooed under her eyes. “But at least with Crystal Methodism, I can finally afford that therapist I desperately need to deal with all this enlightenment.”
The California Department of Revenue is scrambling to address the situation. “We never anticipated folks reinterpreting ‘sacramental supplies’ so liberally,” sighed a beleaguered tax official. “Frankly, at this point, we’re just hoping they don’t start demanding tax breaks for kale smoothies.”
Meanwhile, tensions are rising between Crystal Methodists and more established religions. “These newcomers are giving us all a bad name,” grumbled a weary Hollywood actor from a nearby Church of Scientology. “We had the market on crazy California religions, now this? Where’s the sanctity?”
Undeterred, Crystal Methodists are planning a massive statewide “Crystal Convocation” next month. Organizers promise “guest speakers,” “live music,” and a “blessed merchandise booth” featuring a wide variety of religious paraphernalia (wink wink, nudge nudge).Check your local gutters for pamphlets.
California’s future is looking very… well, let’s just say it’ll be a trip.
Shiny new religion sweeps over California,Shiny new religion sweeps over California
