By Chad “12th Man” McDouchebag, Regional Superiority Desk February 8, 2026 – Somewhere Between Seattle and Boston
Super Bowl LX hasn’t even kicked off yet, but the real championship is already underway: Seahawks fans and Patriots fans duking it out online, in bars, and in family group chats to determine which coastal hellscape has produced the most insufferable, smug, bandwagon-riding, perpetually aggrieved collection of sports douches in the country.
The game is still hours away, but the pre-game narrative is locked in. Seattle faithful are already posting 47-second clips of 2014–2015 officiating with captions like “This is why we can’t have nice things.” Boston faithful are countering with 3-minute supercuts of every holding call against the Seahawks since the Reagan administration, captioned “Cry more, 12s.” The ratio wars have begun.
Both cities agree the Super Bowl is rigged—they just disagree who it’s rigged for. Seahawks fans insist the league wants Boston drama and ratings. Patriots fans insist the league hates success and wants to prop up the little guy. Neutral observers are begging both sides to touch grass, but nobody’s listening.
Barstool Sports has already launched dueling polls: “Who’s the bigger douchebag fanbase?” Early results are statistically impossible: 51% Seahawks fans, 51% Patriots fans, 2% people who hate fun. Local media is fanning the flames. The Seattle Times dropped a preemptive “Why Boston Fans Are the Worst Humans Alive.” The Boston Globe fired back with “Seattle Fans: Still Mad About 2015, Still Wrong.” Both papers are seeing record traffic and record hate mail.
Somewhere in the middle, a brave soul tweeted: “Both fanbases are exhausting. The real winner is whoever mutes notifications.” He was ratioed into oblivion by both sides simultaneously—a rare moment of unity.
As kickoff looms, the internet braces for three more days of arguing with strangers about which set of strangers is the most obnoxious. Because in America, nothing says “I love football” quite like spending Super Bowl Sunday screaming about rigging, bandwagons, and whose city sucks more.
Final prediction: Game score: TBD Douchebag score: still tied. Nation: already tired.
See you in the replies. Bring your alts.
