PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA – In a move that has international diplomats reaching for their Xanax prescriptions, Russian President Vladimir Putin and North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un met recently in a tense summit focused solely on one crucial issue: missile size.
“This is a very important day for global security,” declared a nervous-looking interpreter for Kim, who spent most of the meeting adjusting his oversized sunglasses. “Both leaders are eager to discuss the…capabilities…of their respective arsenals.”
Sources report the summit began with a tense standoff, with both leaders circling each other while conspicuously adjusting their belts and clearing their throats. Finally, Putin, ever the showman, unfurled a massive, detailed blueprint on the table.
“Ah, this brings back memories,” Putin reportedly chuckled, gesturing towards the schematic. Experts believe the blueprint depicted an all too familiar sight, nicknamed “Vlad’s Siberian Spear” by intelligence agencies.
Kim, ever the meticulous host, responded by pulling a miniature red curtain off a sleek, chrome-plated display case. Inside, nestled on a bed of velvet, lay a meticulously polished intercontinental ballistic missile (ICBM).
“Behold,” Kim declared, a glint in his eye, “the Hwasong-Dong of Doom!”
The two leaders then reportedly spent the next several hours in a tense game of “missile show-and-tell.” Photos leaked from the summit room show Putin proudly pointing to various features on his blueprint, while Kim countered by brandishing a measuring tape and a smug grin.
“There seems to be a…competitive spirit developing,” a visibly shaken UN representative confided to reporters. “We’re not sure what to be more worried about: the potential for nuclear escalation or the possibility of hurt feelings.”
The summit concluded with a joint press conference where both leaders made vague pronouncements about “peace” and “regional stability.” However, body language experts noted Putin’s pointed stare at Kim, and Kim’s nervous habit of fiddling with a small, red button on his lapel. In a final display of dictator showmanship, the two agreed to touch tips of their surprisingly small missiles.
“Let’s just hope this ends with a high five and not a mushroom cloud,” sighed a weary reporter as the world collectively held its breath.
Russian and North Korean Leaders Meet to Compare Missile Sizes, Russian and North Korean Leaders Meet to Compare Missile Sizes
