THE HAMPTONS, NY – After the universal critical napalm bath that was his solo re-imagining of Dark Side of the Moon, Roger Waters has reportedly set his sights on the ultimate prize: the Beatles’ catalog. Sources close to the former Pink Floyd bassist and current asshole say Waters intends to “improve” the Fab Four’s legacy by draining every ounce of joy, melody, and relevance out of it.
Waters’ failed 2023 Dark Side Of The Moon redux—widely described by critics as “grandpa reading his diary over funeral music”—apparently didn’t scratch his itch to desecrate beloved classics. “The Beatles were okay,” Waters said while stroking his reflection in a mirror. “But imagine how much better Let It Be would sound if I replaced all the singing with my gravelly muttering about how society is an illusion created by billionaires. That’s art.”
Early demos reportedly include:
- A 12-minute spoken word version of Yesterday about how capitalism ruined his breakfast.
- Yellow Submarine slowed down to 19 BPM and re-titled Gray Submersible of the Oppressed Masses.
- A 43-minute reinterpretation of Hey Jude where he just says “Jude” once, sighs, and then rants about Zionism.
Industry insiders warn that if Waters gets the Beatles’ rights, it could spark an international incident. “This man has already proven he’ll put the words ‘re-imagined’ on an album and then just record himself clearing his throat for 50 minutes,” said one horrified music historian.
Still, Waters remains undeterred. “The Beatles were just a boy band,” he claimed while polishing his Nobel Prize for Self-Importance. “It’s about time a real genius re-taught the world what their music should have been.”
Rumors suggest his next targets may include Motown, Mozart, and the Happy Birthday song.
