By Chadwick Von Blandford, Lifestyle Correspondent January 1, 2026
America’s psychopaths are positively buzzing with anticipation this week as January finally arrives—the most wonderful time of the year for those who view human emotion as a mild inconvenience and empathy as a preventable disease.
“It’s just magical,” gushed local hedge fund manager and confirmed sociopath Blake Carrington IV, while idly twirling a letter opener he definitely doesn’t fantasize about using on coworkers. “The holidays are exhausting. All that forced cheer, the small talk, pretending to care whether Aunt Linda’s casserole was gluten-free. January? Pure bliss. Everyone’s miserable, resolutions are crumbling by day three, and no one expects you to smile. It’s like the universe finally understands me.”
Sources close to the psychopathic community report that support groups (which they insist are purely for “networking opportunities”) have been abuzz with excitement for weeks. Topics at recent meetups included “Best Excuses to Ghost Your Gym Buddy,” “Leveraging Seasonal Affective Disorder for Workplace Dominance,” and a popular seminar titled “New Year, Same Me: Why Self-Improvement Is for Suckers.”
Clinical psychologists, who are apparently still allowed to have opinions, note that January provides a rare alignment of environmental factors perfectly suited to psychopathic thriving: shorter days, colder weather, and a collective societal hangover from obligatory familial bonding.
“Frankly, it’s their Super Bowl,” said Dr. Emily Hartmann, who asked that we not use her real name because one of her patients “collects identifying information as a hobby.” “While the rest of us are grappling with credit card debt and broken Pelotons, they’re out there experiencing what approximates joy. It’s unsettling.”
Retail analysts predict a banner month for luxury brands catering to the high-functioning disordered. Sales of black turtlenecks, noise-canceling headphones, and books with titles like How to Win Friends and Then Systematically Destroy Them are reportedly through the roof.
One anonymous poster on a private forum frequented by aspiring CEOs and serial daters summed up the communal glee: “December is all performative warmth. January is honest. Everyone’s cold, broke, and quietly furious. Finally, a month that doesn’t gaslight us into pretending we have souls.”
As the rest of the nation trudges toward the inevitable February slump, America’s psychopaths are urging everyone to embrace the chill—preferably from a safe, emotionless distance.
Happy New Year, normies. Try not to cry in the group chat. They’re watching. And they’re loving it.
