WASHINGTON D.C. – In a move that surprised literally no one, the Pentagon yesterday announced the formation of the Redneck Force, the most heavily armed and aggressively yeehaw-ing branch of the US military.
“We needed a fighting force that truly embodies American spirit,” declared a visibly nervous Secretary of Defense Mildred Cartwright, flanked by two men in camouflage overalls adjusting their wraparound sunglasses indoors. “The Redneck Force brings unmatched ingenuity, a deep love of all things explosive, and an unwavering belief that duct tape can fix anything, even, you know, international relations.”
Recruits for the Redneck Force will be hand-selected for their impressive arsenals (think grandpa’s dusty Vietnam-era collection meets a Bass Pro Black Friday sale), their uncanny ability to navigate by hunch alone, and a profound distrust of anything resembling foreign policy that doesn’t involve a monster truck rally.
“Basic training will be a breeze,” drawled Colonel Billy-Bob “Triggerfinger” Johnson, sporting a neatly trimmed beard and a tactical vest overflowing with chewing tobacco tins. “First week’s all about camouflage – learnin’ how to disappear into a pile of empty Busch Light cans. Week two, we move on to advanced squirrel interrogation techniques, essential for extracting intel in hostile environments.”
Critics, however, remain skeptical. “This whole thing seems like a bad reality TV show pitch,” scoffed Senator Pennington III, adjusting his perfectly coiffed hair. “What happens when these, uh, brave soldiers encounter an enemy with, you know, actual military training?”
Pentagon officials assured the public that the Redneck Force’s unconventional tactics would leave enemies bewildered and thoroughly confused. “Imagine a tank rolling into battle,” chuckled Colonel Johnson, “only to be met with a squadron of pickup trucks blaring country music and flinging jars of moonshine Molotov cocktails. Psychological warfare at its finest!”
The Redneck Force is expected to be deployed by July 4th weekend, with their first mission rumored to involve rescuing a bald eagle from a particularly stubborn cactus. We’ll keep you updated on how their, ahem, unique skillset translates to the battlefield.
Pentagon Unveils Redneck Force Pentagon Unveils Redneck Force
