DES MOINS, IA – In a revelation that’s sure to leave many red-faced (and possibly hand-numbed), a team of leading orthopedists has shattered a long-held myth: carpal tunnel syndrome isn’t just a keyboard warrior’s woe. In fact, a shocking new study suggests the majority of carpal tunnel cases are caused by something far more…personal.
“We were seeing a disturbing trend,” admitted Dr. Phil McCracken, lead researcher and self-proclaimed “wrist whisperer.” “Young, healthy people, with minimal keyboard use, were coming in with classic carpal tunnel symptoms. It just didn’t add up.”
Further investigation, involving awkward surveys and some truly unfortunate MRI results, revealed the culprit: “The Midnight Shift,” as Dr.McCracken calls it (a euphemism so transparent it practically winked).
“Apparently, the repetitive motions associated with…uh…self-satisfaction are putting a major strain on people’s wrists,” Dr. McCracken explained, delicately adjusting his stethoscope. “Who knew a little ‘me time’ could be so physically demanding?”
The news has sent shockwaves through the medical community. Pornhub is scrambling to add carpal tunnel warnings to their content, while lube manufacturers are considering a “wrist-friendly” formula.
Meanwhile, patients are struggling to come to terms with the diagnosis. “It’s embarrassing!” confessed a sheepish Mr. Johnson (not his real name, obviously). “I always thought carpal tunnel was for accountants and video game addicts, not…well, you know.”
Social media, unsurprisingly, is exploding with memes and jokes. “#WankersWrists” is trending worldwide, and support groups for “The Five Knuckle Shuffle” are popping up online faster than you can say “ouch.”
However, some experts are concerned about the potential for moral panic. “This isn’t about shaming people,” stressed Dr. McCracken, holding up a stress ball shaped suspiciously like a miniature keyboard. “It’s about education and moderation. Just like with typing, maybe take some breaks from ‘Working The Midnight Shift.’”
So, the next time you reach for that stress ball (or whatever your preferred method may be), take a moment to consider the health of your wrists. After all, a little self-care goes a long way – both physically and emotionally. Just don’t blame us if the next time you log onto Pornhub, you get a pop-up ad for wrist braces.
Most Carpal Tunnel Not From Typing Most Carpal Tunnel Not From Typing
