Moochers Force Handyman’s Great Escape
TOLEDO OH. & URUGUAY – Handyman changes identity, starts new life in foreign country to avoid moochers. After decades of answering “just a quick favor” calls from freeloading friends, neighbors, and relatives, local handyman Barry Thompson has taken drastic measures, reportedly changing his identity and relocating to a remote village in Uruguay to escape the relentless barrage of “little things that just need fixing.”
Sources close to Thompson, formerly of Toledo, Ohio, say he disappeared without a trace last month after a final call from his cousin Gary, who apparently needed “a couple tiny things” fixed around his rental property, which turned out to be the replacement of an entire roof and rewiring of the basement. Friends and family, unaware of Thompson’s mounting frustration, were shocked to discover his now-empty apartment containing nothing but a cryptic note reading, “No more ‘quick favors.’”
Thompson’s plight started years ago when he innocently offered to help his brother-in-law with a leaky faucet. “One thing led to another, and before he knew it, he was re-caulking tubs, re-tiling floors, and fixing drywall for anyone with his phone number,” says former friend Steve Mendez. “Poor guy didn’t stand a chance. Once word got out he knew his way around a toolbox, people were showing up at his door holding broken screen doors and patio furniture like it was trick-or-treating.”
Thompson, who had quietly endured years of increasing demands, was pushed over the edge when his neighbor, Mrs. McConnell, left him a 14-item list of repairs with a plate of stale cookies and the vague promise of “more cookies if you help.” “He had no way out,” Mendez said. “He tried saying ‘no’ a few times, but everyone knew where he lived. Plus, they had his cell number, his home number, his email. He was trapped.”
In Uruguay, Thompson has assumed the identity of “Carlos Fernández,” a reclusive alpaca farmer with no background in carpentry, electrical work, or plumbing—an alibi he hopes will ward off any would-be freeloaders. Locals report that Fernández often looks around suspiciously when someone mentions needing a fence mended or a door hinge tightened, as if anticipating that a single helpful act might snowball into total handyman servitude.
Reports from Thompson’s former neighborhood indicate that his absence has sent shockwaves through the local DIY economy. “Without Barry, who’s going to come patch up my fence for the price of a six-pack?” complained neighbor Ed Pomeroy, who, sources confirm, once asked Thompson to paint his entire garage “just as a friend thing.” His sister Linda reportedly sighed, “We’d almost closed a deal for him to redo my whole kitchen over Thanksgiving. I told him he could stay in our guest room, but apparently that wasn’t enough.”
Thompson’s disappearance has also led to a wave of existential crisis among neighborhood moochers, who are now forced to confront their own incompetence and, tragically, may have to pay for real services. Several former “clients” have reportedly been spotted in Home Depot, staring bewildered at screwdrivers and asking each other questions like, “Wait, which one is a Phillips again?”
Meanwhile, Thompson’s final letter to his family remains under close scrutiny. Friends report it contains a thinly veiled threat for anyone who tries to track him down. “I have a new life now, a simple life,” he wrote. “Please don’t come looking for me. I don’t care if your gutters are overflowing, if you lost the instructions to your IKEA shelf, or if your car’s ‘making a funny noise.’ Carlos Fernández doesn’t do favors.”
As Thompson lives out his days in South America, experts say his drastic measures may become a trend among skilled laborers desperate to escape a lifetime of free odd jobs. “This is just the beginning,” said sociologist Dr. Marla Klein. “We’re seeing similar cases from electricians, plumbers, and even that one friend who knows how to set up a Wi-Fi router. The next time you ask someone to ‘just take a quick look’ at a problem, consider this: they may be one ‘favor’ away from going off the grid entirely.”
Moochers Force Handyman’s Great Escape Moochers Force Handyman’s Great Escape
