HOUSTON, TX – In a development that would leave Carl Sagan scratching his head and Neil deGrasse Tyson composing a very long tweet, the historic discovery of potential life on Mars was tragically cut short this week by mission botanist Dr. Esmeralda “Eco-Esme” Evergreen (27).
Dr. Evergreen, a self-described “radical bio-ethicist” with a penchant for purple hair dye, deemed the nascent Martian microbes “too oppressed” for their own good and promptly terminated the experiment via the first known “space abortion”.
“These little guys were clearly trapped in a capitalist hellscape,” Dr. Evergreen declared, adjusting her “Free the Martian Proletariat” t-shirt. “No sunlight, limited resources, constant threat of meteor showers? They were basically the space equivalent of a sweatshop worker.”
NASA officials are at a loss. “We spent billions getting to Mars, only to have our groundbreaking research nixed by a botanist wielding a spray bottle labeled ‘Martian Liberation Juice,’” sighed a weary Dr. Bartholomew Blastoff, head of the Mars One mission. “Apparently, intergalactic communism takes priority over scientific discovery these days.”
The scientific community is outraged. “This is a slap in the face to the entire field of astrobiology!” fumed Dr. Gertrude Greenthumb, a leading expert in extraterrestrial flora. “Who knows what kind of knowledge we’ve lost because of this misguided sense of social justice?”
Social media, naturally, is having a field day. Memes featuring photos of Dr. Evergreen watering a potted cactus with a label reading “Free Mars” are circulating widely. Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists are convinced Dr. Evergreen is a sleeper agent for a secret society of talking houseplants.
Dr. Evergreen, however, remains unfazed. “I stand by my decision,” she declared, brandishing a copy of “Das Kapital” translated into Martian glyphs (a questionable use of mission resources, some might say). “These microbes deserve a socialist utopia, not another round of exploitation by the capitalist machine!”
The future of Mars exploration remains uncertain. NASA is reportedly considering mandatory psych evaluations for all future astronauts, with a particular emphasis on their views on intergalactic labor rights. As for Dr. Evergreen, she’s busy planning a one-woman protest outside the headquarters of the Mars Bar company, demanding fair wages for sentient chocolate nougat. Let’s just hope she doesn’t try to “liberate” the Milky Way next.
Martian Microbes Meet Their Match Martian Microbes Meet Their Match
