DENVER, CO – In a cautionary tale for the internet-addled masses, local man Brad Chadlington (32) is grappling with a harsh reality: MILFs, it turns out, are not immortal goddesses sculpted by Photoshop and strategically placed lighting.
Brad, a self-proclaimed ” connoisseur of the finer things in life” (said finer things being Monster Energy drinks and ironic trucker hats), had long harbored a fervent desire to date a “MILF” – a term he vaguely understood to mean “attractive older woman.” After years of swiping right on suspiciously young women with strategically placed filters, Brad finally snagged his dream date: Vanessa, a statuesque 62-year-old who, according to her profile pic, enjoyed “long walks on the beach” and “looking fabulous.”
The first few dates were a whirlwind of awkward silences and strained conversations about “classic rock” (a genre Vanessa hadn’t heard of until Brad painstakingly explained it to her). However, Brad was smitten. Vanessa, despite her occasional need for reading glasses and the occasional mention of “these darn creaky knees,” was everything he’d ever dreamed of – a woman old enough to be his mom (but hopefully not act like one).
However, the honeymoon phase hit a snag about a month in. Vanessa started canceling dates at the last minute, citing “aches and pains” and a sudden aversion to loud music (a dealbreaker for Brad, who firmly believed all dates should be soundtracked by Nickelback).
“I thought she was just playing hard to get,” Brad confided in his buddy, Chad (who, ironically, was also dating a woman named Vanessa who enjoyed “long naps” and “early bird specials”). “But then she started needing naps in the middle of our dates! Apparently, being a total babe takes a lot out of you.”
The final straw came when Brad, mid-sentence about his epic fantasy football draft, found Vanessa asleep in his recliner, clutching a heating pad and a well-worn copy of “Reader’s Digest.”
“It was like looking at my own grandma, only with less bingo dabbers and way more disappointed sighs,” Brad lamented. “The dream is officially dead.”
Relationship experts are unsurprised. “MILFs, like all humans, are subject to the cruel passage of time,” Dr. Phil McGraw-It-Goes-Both-Ways explained. “They eventually trade in their stilettos for sensible shoes and their late-night clubbing for afternoons spent meticulously organizing coupon folders.”
Brad, meanwhile, is back on the dating apps, swiping right with renewed, if slightly jaded, enthusiasm. “Maybe I should just stick to my own age group,” he mused. “Less chance of them breaking a hip before I kiss them goodnight.”
Just then, his phone buzzed with a notification. It was Vanessa, with a message that simply read: “Feeling spry! Up for bowling tonight?”
Brad sighed, a single tear rolling down his cheek. Maybe some dreams were best left unfulfilled, especially if they involved questionable footwear and a crippling fear of strikes.
Man Shocked to Discover MILF Actually Ages Man Shocked to Discover MILF Actually Ages
