BOUNTIFUL, UT – A local man has been branded “Public Enemy No. 1” after committing the ultimate modern sin: refusing to tip a self-service fast-food kiosk.
The man, who asked to remain anonymous (but whose face is now immortalized in 4K security footage), ordered a cheeseburger, fries, and a drink using the touchscreen. When prompted with “Add a 20% tip?”, he boldly hit “No Tip” and walked away. Society has not been the same since.
“It’s a kiosk,” the man protested. “It doesn’t smile, it doesn’t say thank you, it doesn’t refill my soda. What exactly am I tipping here—its electricity bill?” He later added, “Maybe if the kiosk remembered my birthday or called me ‘chief,’ I’d reconsider.”
Local residents were horrified. “This man spat in the face of every hardworking minimum-wage teenager who’s ever dropped a nugget on the floor and served it anyway,” said one bystander. “Show some respect.”
Restaurant owner Big Dave Lebowski quickly weighed in. “I hope this guy realizes he just took money out of my employees’ pockets. Sure, I only pay them minimum wage, but tips are how they survive,” he said, before speeding away in his Mercedes G-Wagon, windows tinted darker than employee morale.
The incident has reignited the debate over tipping culture in the age of automation. With more businesses adopting kiosks and apps, the question looms: when you skip tipping, are you stiffing a worker—or just giving a touchscreen a much-needed reality check?
For now, the anonymous man remains defiant, unapologetically dining out at other self-service restaurants while the town simmers with rage. Whether he’s remembered as a pioneer of anti-kiosk resistance or a cheapskate of historic proportions remains to be seen.
One thing is certain: in America, refusing to tip—even a soulless machine—is the quickest way to become a villain.
