West Valley, UT – In a disturbing turn of events, a local man has unleashed a terrifying new approach to meeting women: talking to them in person. Authorities are urging residents to remain vigilant as this “unconventional” method continues to spread panic.
The perpetrator, identified only as “Steve,” allegedly approached a woman at a coffee shop and, after what witnesses described as an “unnerving” exchange of pleasantries, dared to ask her out on a date. The woman, clearly shaken, fled the scene clutching her latte like a weapon.
“It was like something out of a horror movie,” recounted bystander Mildred Perkins. “He made eye contact, smiled… even used complete sentences! It was horrifying.”
Experts are baffled by Steve’s actions. “This complete disregard for the established online dating protocol is unprecedented,” said Dr. Chad Tenderheart, a leading sociologist specializing in digital courtship rituals. “Approaching a woman in the wild, without the safety net of filtered photos and pre-approved conversation starters? It’s barbaric!”
Social media is ablaze with warnings. #TalkFreeZones are trending on Twitter, and support groups for “Conversationally Traumatized Women” are popping up across the city.
Meanwhile, Steve remains unfazed. “It was just a conversation,” he shrugged. “We talked about books, movies, you know, normal stuff.”
Normal, it seems, is a word that sends shivers down the spines of many singles these days. The question remains: will Steve’s reign of terror continue, or will common sense prevail and online dating remain the “safe space” for modern courtship? Only time, and the courage of a few brave souls, will tell.
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