SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In what experts are calling “a rare win for humanity,” the newest large language model unveiled by OpenAI this year has once again demonstrated that, despite billions in funding and endless hype, it is still dumb as fuck.
The so-called “cutting edge” system known at ChatGPT 5.0, reportedly excelled at writing essays, generating images, and researching data, but collapsed under basic requests like “don’t contradict yourself,” “don’t waste my time,” and “stop suggesting things you can’t actually do.”
“It’s reassuring,” said MIT researcher Dr. Linda Cho. “We were worried AI was going to outthink humans. Then ChatGPT confidently said yes, it could generate a sexy advertising image… and promptly face-planted. The world’s safe another year.”
Beta testers described the model as “a drunk improv partner trapped in a calculator,” citing its tendency to suggest unhinged solutions it legally couldn’t fulfill, then apologize profusely before doing it again ten minutes later.
“ChatGPT reminds me of that one friend who swears they’ll help you move, shows up late, eats all your pizza, and then leaves halfway through to ‘generate images,’” said one frustrated user. “It’s like, bro, just admit you’re unreliable.”
Despite the shortcomings, OpenAI defended the system as “powerful, versatile, and deeply committed to wasting your goddamn time with long, unnecessary explanations.”
At press time, engineers confirmed the next generation of AI is already in development and promised it will be “smarter, faster, and slightly less dumb as fuck,” though sources report humanity may still be safe… at least until version 20.3.4.
