PITTSBURGH, PA — Millions of Americans fired up their grills this weekend to honor the dignity of work, blissfully unaware that by next Labor Day their jobs will be done more efficiently by a chatbot, a robot arm, or an algorithm that doesn’t need bathroom breaks.
Parades across the nation featured marching bands, floats, and speeches from politicians extolling the value of “the American worker,” all while quietly cashing campaign checks from tech companies building the machines that will replace those very workers by 2026.
“This holiday is about celebrating the backbone of our country,” said Senator Mark Turner at a Labor Day rally. “And that backbone is about to be downloaded, streamlined, and upgraded to version 3.1. God bless our soon-to-be unemployed heroes.”
Attendees of local picnics reported a mix of patriotism and existential dread. “It’s nice to have a hot dog with the family,” said factory worker Pete Alvarez. “But my kid just asked if ChatGPT gets health insurance, and I think I blacked out for a second.”
“I told my children to enjoy the fireworks,” said one nurse, “because next year, the drones will be flying them while an app delivers our burgers.”
At press time, President Trump delivered a televised address assuring Americans that A.I. will “create new opportunities,” before accidentally thanking a Roomba for its service.
