RUM CREEK, WV – Holy Shrapnel, Man Loses Chompers, Ray LaRue (42) of Rum Creek, West Virginia, lost his remaining chompers in a spectacularly misguided display of religious fervor this Independence Day, but by golly, he sure showed Jesus a good time!
Bubba Ray, a man whose knowledge of dental hygiene is likely surpassed by his wisdom of pet possum’s, decided that store-bought fireworks just weren’t patriotic (or Jesus-y) enough. So, armed with a rusty colander, a fifth of Kentucky moonshine, and enough duct tape to mummify a moose, Bubba Ray cobbled together a “firework tribute” in his backyard.
“It’s what Jesus would want” argued a dazed and confused Bubba Ray who was sporting a red, white, and blue party hat that was singed around the edges. “It’s tradition in this house to get fucking loaded every July 4th as we pay tribute to The Lord’s birthday”
…Though Bubba Ray maintains Jesus himself reached down and whispered, ‘Son, that was the most patriotic display of pyrotechnics I’ve ever witnessed! Though, maybe next time ease up on the duct tape.’” Religious scholars, however, remain unconvinced that the Lord enjoys third-degree burns and a light shrapnel shower. They further elaborated by saying that the devils liquor is more likely the explanation to today’s mishap.
Meanwhile, dental professionals are already prepping a new set of dentures for Bubba Ray. Let’s face it, the man’s smile ain’t exactly winning any contests anytime soon. As for Bubba Ray himself? “It was worth it to show our love for Jesus on his birthday,” he said, sporting a grimace that could curdle milk. “Sparky, the LaRue family dog, was a quivering mess, but I sure put on a show for the Big Guy upstairs!.” Charlene LaRue, Bubba Ray’s ever-patient wife, simply sighed and muttered, “Bless his heart. Fireworks and dental hygiene just don’t mix in this family, do they?”
The Rum Creek city council, ever the opportunists, are offering a free “How to Not Maim Yourself with Fireworks” pamphlet, courtesy of Bubba Ray’s explosive misadventure. It’s a public service announcement no doubt inspired by the man’s newfound appreciation for flying shrapnel – and the importance of following safety instructions.
As for Sparky, reports say he’s suffering from what can only be described as PTSD. After witnessing the backyard “Hallelujah-lusion,” Sparky has taken to whimpering at every sparkler and flinching at the sound of a popping balloon. A simple backfire from Bubba Ray’s Chevy truck has been known to cause Sparky to defecate on the living room rug. Bubba Ray, seems content to believe Sparky is just sharing in the post-fireworks excitement.
Bubba Ray’s dedication to Jesus was truly heartwarming, albeit highly confusing on the 4th of July. Here’s hoping his new smile is brighter than his future fireworks displays, and that Sparky finds a therapist who specializes in small mammal pyromania.
Yeehaw! Jesus Really Dug Those Shrapnel Showers Yeehaw! Jesus Really Dug Those Shrapnel Showers
Holy Shrapnel Man Loses Chompers Holy Shrapnel Man Loses Chompers
