MONTPELIER, VERMONT – In a groundbreaking move, Subaru of America announced today it has granted a special exemption to Sarah Jenkins, a 32-year-old accountant from Des Moines, Iowa, allowing her to purchase a 2024 Forester despite her confirmed heterosexuality.
“This is a historic moment for Subaru,” declared CEO Thomas Dollison, wiping a tear from his eye. “For decades, our cars have been a cornerstone of the lesbian community, offering unparalleled cargo space for hauling flannel shirts and U-Haul rentals to idyllic Vermont getaways. Ms. Jenkins, however, represents a demographic we have traditionally overlooked: straight Midwesterners with a penchant for crossovers.”
The exemption process was reportedly rigorous. Jenkins had to undergo a battery of tests, including a blind taste test of Melissa Etheridge albums and a mandatory fitting of a pair of Birkenstocks.
“Honestly, it was easier than getting pre-approved for a mortgage,” Jenkins said, clutching her new Forester keys. “But hey, I love camping, and my husband hates scraping the bottom of our minivan on those dirt roads. Plus, the all-wheel drive is a big selling point in Des Moines.”
Subaru executives are cautiously optimistic about the implications of this exemption. “We don’t want to alienate our core lesbian fanbase,” Dollison reassured reporters. “But if Ms. Jenkins’ purchase proves successful, we might consider a limited ‘Straight Ally’ edition Forester. It’ll come with a complimentary ‘Live Laugh Love’ decal and a subscription to Sirius XM’s ‘Kenny Chesney Radio.’”
Social media reactions have been mixed. Many lesbian Twitter users expressed outrage, with the hashtag #StraightSubaru trending nationwide. However, a smattering of straight men have hailed Jenkins a pioneer, with comments like “Finally, a car that won’t make me feel judged at the Home Depot parking lot!”
Only time will tell if this is a one-time anomaly or the dawn of a new era for Subaru. But one thing is certain: the line between soccer moms and Subaru lesbians just got a whole lot blurrier.
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