Sacramento, CA – In a move as shocking as it is long overdue, California Governor Gavin Newsom has been court-ordered to attend Dave Ramsey’s famed Financial Peace University program. The decision comes after a series of, well, let’s just say “financially questionable” moves by the Governor, including:
- Purchasing a fleet of gold-plated Segways “for governmental efficiency.”
- Building a moat around his estate “to keep out the riff-raff (and pesky debt collectors).”
- Allegedly “accidentally” losing several briefcases containing campaign donations in a series of “unfortunate” boating incidents.
Judge Prudence Pennypincher, known for her zero-tolerance approach to fiscal frivolity, mandated the Governor’s enrollment in the program, stating, “Governor Newsom appears to have a financial literacy that rivals a particularly confused squirrel hoarding acorns. Perhaps Mr. Ramsey can teach him the difference between a budget and a bottomless pit of taxpayer money.”
Governor Newsom, visibly disgruntled, released a statement through his publicist: “This is a witch hunt by the radical penny-pinching right! I’m being forced to take a course designed for the poors! Does Dave Ramsey even know the first thing about financing a luxurious lifestyle?”
Sources close to the Governor, however, report a different story. Apparently, Newsoms’ aides have resorted to desperate measures to keep him afloat, including holding bake sales and organizing a car wash fundraiser (which Newsom promptly tried to expense as “constituent outreach”). The hope is that Financial Peace University can equip the Governor with the skills necessary to avoid future “boating incidents” and bake sale-funded campaigns.
Financial experts remain skeptical. “Teaching a politician about responsible budgeting is like teaching a cat not to lick yarn,” remarked Professor Tightwad McScrooge of the Institute for Frugality. “But hey, maybe he’ll learn the joy of a good rice and beans dinner. One can dream.”
The first session of Financial Peace University for Governor Newsom is scheduled for next Tuesday. We’ll keep you updated on whether the Governor learns the difference between a “gazelle intense” attitude, and a gazelle-sized pile of unpaid bills.
Governor Forced to Attend Financial Peace University Governor Forced to Attend Financial Peace University
