BERLIN, GERMANY – In a move that surprised literally no one familiar with German history, the nation is reportedly considering starting World War III. Chancellor Helmut Schmidt Jr. (no relation, but equally fond of mustaches and vaguely unsettling pronouncements) cited a national yearning for a “more exciting chapter” and a desire to “spice things up a bit” as key factors in the government’s deliberations.
“Look, we Germans have a rich history,” admitted Schmidt Jr., steepling his fingers in front of a giant, cuckoo clock. “We’ve given the world everything from bratwurst to Beethoven, but let’s be honest, things have gotten a little…beige lately. We need a project, something to get the national blood pumping again.”
Public reaction to the potential war has been divided, with a significant portion of the population expressing a strong preference for Konfliktbier (a newly-minted, war-themed lager) over actual conflict. “War is messy,” grumbled Fritz Mueller, a retired sausage maker. “Besides, who wants to deal with the whole rebuilding Europe thing again? Maybe we could just, you know, threaten war really loudly? That usually gets a rise out of everyone.”
Experts warn that Germany’s renewed interest in global conflict might not be met with the same enthusiastic response as, say, the invention of the printing press. “Look, the world’s a little burnt out on the whole ‘war’ thing,” cautioned Dr. Helga Friedenreich, a renowned peace studies scholar. “Maybe Germany could channel their…enthusiasm into something more constructive, like perfecting the art of the pretzel or developing a new polka that doesn’t involve lederhosen.”
Undeterred by international concerns, the German government has reportedly begun brainstorming potential war themes for the modern era. Early suggestions include a “Sustainable Blitzkrieg” utilizing eco-friendly tanks powered by recycled schnitzel grease and a “Culturally Sensitive War” that would involve mandatory yodeling lessons for enemy combatants.
Only time will tell if Germany decides to follow through on its warmongering whims. In the meantime, the rest of the world is nervously stockpiling bratwurst and earplugs, just in case things get a little too “spicy” for comfort.
Germany Mulls WWIII as Solution to National Boredom, Germany Mulls WWIII as Solution to National Boredom
