APPALACHIAN MOUNTAINS, USA – In a shocking display of foresight that has left even the most seasoned meteorologists scratching their heads, local eccentric, redneck, and self-proclaimed survivalist, Burt “The Bunkerman” Peterson, has revealed that he has already completed construction on a state-of-the-art underground fortress designed to withstand the rigors of the year 3000.
“I’ve been hearing a lot about this Y2K thing lately,” Peterson said, wiping sweat from his brow after emerging from a simulated nuclear winter drill. “So, I figured, why not plan ahead? “It’s like I always say: If you’re not planning for the year 3000, are you even prepping?”
Peterson’s bunker, a sprawling subterranean complex carved into the heart of the Appalachian Mountains, boasts amenities that would make even the most locals blush. A fully stocked hydroponic garden, a personal library containing every Wikipedia article ever written (on paper, of course), and a fully operational Harbor Freight generator are just a few of the highlights.
When asked about the possibility of the world ending before the year 3000, Peterson simply chuckled. “Look, I’m not saying we’re going to have flying cars and robot butlers by then, but I’m pretty confident there will be some serious challenges. I mean, have you seen the way people are driving these days? It’s only a matter of time before we run out of petroleum jelly.”
As for the rest of us mere mortals scrambling to stock up on canned goods and batteries in anticipation of the next millennium bug, Peterson had this to say: “Good luck with that. I’ll be busy perfecting my hydroponic tomato yield.”
As for Peterson, he remains undeterred and is already working on his next project: a time capsule designed to be opened in the year 10,000. “You can never be too prepared,” Peterson said with a grin. “After all, who’s going to be laughing in the year 9000 when my bunker is still standing and everyone else is stuck in the Stone Age”
Future-Proofing with a Side of Redneck Charm Future-Proofing with a Side of Redneck Charm
