SILICON VALLEY, CA – In a story that rewrites the American Dream script, Doug “The Oracle” Douchington, a man previously known for his questionable hygiene and even worse investment advice, has become a tech titan thanks to a surprising advisor: a dusty Magic 8 Ball from his childhood.
“It all started when I found this bad boy in my mom’s basement,” Douchington bragged in a recent interview, stroking his newly-sculpted jawline. “I was feeling a little lost, you know, like a misunderstood genius trapped in a nobody’s body. Then, bam! The 8 Ball spoke, and my life changed forever.”
Douchington, notorious for his unshakable belief in his own brilliance, misinterpreted the 8 Ball’s vague messages as divine intervention. “Should I invest in this new social media app for hamsters?” he’d ask, shaking the ball with the fervor of a cult leader performing a rain dance. A cryptic “Reply hazy, try again” became “Go for it, champ! You’re a visionary!”
And go for it he did. Douchington, fueled by his inflated ego and the 8 Ball’s enthusiastic (yet nonsensical) pronouncements, launched a series of ludicrously successful ventures. “Hamstergram,” an app allowing rodents to share selfies with cheese filters, became a billion-dollar overnight sensation. He then moved on to “SelfieShoes,” footwear that automatically snapped a picture with every step, a product so useless it became a must-have fashion statement.
Silicon Valley is abuzz with theories about Douchington’s success. Some claim it’s pure luck, others a canny understanding of the public’s insatiable desire for the absurd. However, Douchington himself remains firmly convinced it’s all thanks to the 8 Ball’s divine guidance. “Don’t listen to the haters,” he scoffs, brandishing a bejeweled version of the toy. “The 8 Ball never steers me wrong. Except for that time it told me to invest in a company that makes edible kale phone cases. But hey, even oracles have bad days.”
Meanwhile, experts are warning of a potential “Douchington Effect,” where others attempt to replicate his success by relying on equally unreliable methods. Psychics are reporting a surge in business, and conspiracy theorists are claiming the 8 Ball is actually a government-controlled mind control device.
Experts agree: Douchington’s story is a cautionary tale for the ages. It proves that sometimes, a healthy dose of narcissism, coupled with a complete disregard for logic, can be the recipe for ultimate success. Just don’t try this at home, unless your basement happens to be stocked with a talking 8 Ball and a lifetime supply of self-belief.
from chump to champ, from chump to champ
