Everywhere, USA – In a shocking budgetary maneuver that blends austerity with pharmaceutical innovation, federal officials announced today that due to funding shortfalls, school lunch programs will be slashed—and replaced with government-issued doses of Ozempic for “the little pudgy bastards.”
Education Secretary Miguel Cardona, flanked by a pile of uneaten Salisbury steaks, defended the move. “Look, it’s either kale wraps or chemistry. We can’t afford both. Ozempic is the cheapest way to slim these kids down without hiring more gym teachers.”
The new program, dubbed “No Child Left Behind at Golden Corral”, will see overweight students lined up before recess for their weekly injection. Parents will be notified with a simple slip reading: “Your child’s pizza square has been replaced with cutting-edge diabetes medication. Bon appétit.”
Critics warn the policy could backfire. “We’ve already seen second graders rejecting finger paints because they’re not ‘keto-friendly,’” said one kindergarten teacher. “Last week, a 9-year-old broke down crying because he plateaued at 82 pounds.”
Meanwhile, pharmaceutical lobbyists are celebrating the cultural shift. “Ozempic isn’t just a drug—it’s a lifestyle,” said one rep while handing out branded juice boxes. “Thanks to federal intervention, by 2030, dodgeball courts will be empty but America’s arteries will be Instagram-ready.”
When asked if there were ethical concerns about replacing lunch with pharmaceuticals, one White House spokesperson shrugged: “Hey, if it saves money on tater tots and PE class whistles, we’ll call it a win.”
