WASHINGTON D.C. – In a move that sent markets into a frenzy of nervous laughter, Federal Reserve Chair Janet Yellen yesterday assured the nation that the ever-ballooning national debt is nothing to worry about. “Sure, the numbers might seem daunting,” she chuckled, “but trust me, we’re nowhere near a ‘gajillion’ yet.”
Yellen’s unorthodox unit of measurement, a “gajillion” (which, for those unfamiliar with the financial world’s whimsical vocabulary, refers to a number so large it doesn’t actually exist), left economists scratching their heads and ordinary citizens scrambling for their fainting couches.
“It’s like she’s trying to soothe us with baby talk while we’re hurtling towards a financial cliff in a clown car full of exploding debt bombs,” sighed a weary Wall Street analyst, nervously adjusting his cufflinks.
Yellen further elaborated on the “gajillion metric” by explaining that the national debt currently sits comfortably in the realm of “schmeckabillions” (another term that inspires little confidence in the stability of the global economy).
“Look,” she reassured the nation, “we’ve got plenty of room to grow before things get truly out of hand. Once we start hearing whispers of ‘trilligajillions,’ then maybe we can start to panic… a little.”
Financial experts are divided on the efficacy of Yellen’s unorthodox approach. Some believe it’s a brilliant strategy, akin to distracting a toddler from a potential meltdown by introducing a shiny new word. Others fear it undermines public trust and obfuscates the very real challenges facing the nation’s finances.
“Maybe they should stick to interest rates and quantitative easing,” mumbled a veteran economist, clutching a copy of “Advanced Macroeconomics for Grown-Ups” for comfort. “This whole ‘gajillion’ thing is giving me a headache.”
Meanwhile, the American public remains bewildered. Social media is flooded with memes about “gajillions” and “schmeckabillions,” while savings accounts experience a sudden surge in deposits – a clear sign that people are taking Yellen’s reassurances with a healthy dose of skepticism (and possibly a dash of existential dread).
One thing’s for sure: the national debt conversation just got a whole lot weirder. And until we hear the dreaded “trilligajillions” uttered from the halls of power, the American public can rest easy (ish). Just don’t ask them to define “gajillion.
Fed Chair Yellen to Nation Fed Chair Yellen to Nation
