Sacramento, CA – In a groundbreaking discovery that explains a whole lot about kombucha popularity and freeway rage, a recent study by the Institute Of Californian Austism (IOCA) has revealed a shocking truth: the entire population of California is neurodivergent, specifically falling on the autism spectrum.
“It all makes sense now,” sighed Dr. Paxton Peacelily, lead researcher at IOCA. “The relentless pursuit of self-improvement, the obsession with niche hobbies like avocado sculpting, the unwavering belief in the healing power of crystals – it’s all part of the California Aspie experience.”
The study, titled “Golden State of Mind: A Deep Dive into California’s Collective Neurodivergence,” meticulously documented the telltale signs:
- Silicon Valley Start-Ups: Turns out, these billion-dollar companies aren’t driven by innovation, but by a shared love of repetitive tasks, hyperfocus on specific details, and a complete disregard for social norms (think hoodies as formal wear).
- Hollywood Red Carpets: The awkward interviews, the flamboyant costumes, the carefully crafted personas – it’s all a giant social experiment conducted by celebrities on the spectrum, trying to navigate a confusing neurotypical world.
- The Cult of Wellness: Extreme diets, juice cleanses, and a constant state of self-optimization – these are not signs of vanity, but elaborate coping mechanisms for managing sensory overload and the ever-present existential dread.
Californians themselves are surprisingly chill about the news.
“Oh, that explains a lot,” remarked a resident sporting tie-dye yoga pants and a “Namaste, Mofo” bumper sticker. “I always knew I wasn’t like those ‘normal’ people in Ohio who eat square pizza.”
However, some concerns remain.
“Who will diagnose the doctors now?” pondered a therapist seen fidgeting with a collection of fidget spinners. “And what about the Hollywood awards shows? Will acceptance speeches become elaborate trainspotting presentations?”
The future of California, the first official “Aspie Nation,” is shrouded in a haze of kale smoke and artisanal cheese. But one thing’s for sure: therapy sessions are about to become a spectator sport, and fidget spinners will be the new state currency. Buckle up, because California’s neurodivergent journey is just getting started.
Entire Population Of California Determined To Be On The Spectrum Entire Population Of California Determined To Be On The Spectrum
