KNOXVILLE, TN, – Remember the good ol’ days when claiming moral objections or a sudden love for interpretive dance could get you out of the draft? Well, those quaint tactics are about as useful as a rotary phone in the age of female Selective Service. And for those young Americans hoping gender confusion would be their draft-dodging kryptonite, think again. The Pentagon just dropped a truth bomb hotter than a habanero pepper on that strategy.
“Listen, we appreciate the creativity,” sighed a weary General McMacho, sporting a new “Support Our Troops (All Genders)” t-shirt. “But gender identity isn’t a magic cloak of invisibility against military service. These days, Selective Service ain’t playing favorites based on pronouns.”
The shift comes after a wave of hopeful youngsters attempted to exploit the recent debate on gender identity and female inclusion to Selective Service. Suddenly, social media feeds were flooded with declarations of “gender fluidity” and hastily purchased “They/Them” pronoun pins, all conveniently timed with the looming threat of registration.
“It was like a mass coming-out of confusion,” chuckled Dr. Beverly Skeptic, a sociologist specializing in draft-dodging trends. “But here’s the thing: Selective Service no longer cares if you identify as non-binary, gender fluid, or they/them. They just care if you have a pulse and can fog a mirror.”
The new policy hinges on a recent Supreme Court ruling that separates draft eligibility from gender identity. Basically, if you were assigned male at birth and fall within the eligible age range, you’re getting a little welcome letter from Uncle Sam on your 18th birthday, regardless of your current pronouns or preferred bathroom stall.
This news has sent shockwaves through the ranks of draft-dodging hopefuls. Gone are the days of claiming a sudden affinity for flower arranging or fainting at the sight of push-ups. Now, young Americans are left scrambling for a new exit strategy, one that doesn’t involve existential debates about gender identity.
Fitness centers are reporting a surge in young men (or should we say potential draftees?) desperately trying to bulk up before their inevitable physical. Meanwhile, libraries are experiencing a run on books titled things like “So You Think You Want to be a Conscientious Objector?”
The future of draft dodging remains to be seen, but one thing’s for sure: these days, it takes more than just a little gender confusion to outsmart the Selective Service. So lace up those running shoes, ladies (and lady-identifying folks), because boot camp just got a whole lot more inclusive.
Draft Dodging: Gender Identity Won’t Help Draft Dodging: Gender Identity Won’t Help
Selective Service Shuffle: Gender Bends Won’t Save You From Uncle Sam (This Time). Selective Service Shuffle: Gender Bends Won’t Save You From Uncle Sam (This Time)
