Silicon Valley, CA – In a development that would send shivers down the spine of any self-respecting keyboard warrior, a recent study by the Institute for Digital Dependency (iDD) has revealed a startling truth: online “experts”, deprived of the internet, experience a significant decline in cognitive function.
The study, titled “Can You Even THINK Without Google? A Deep Dive into the Fragile Minds of the Online Elite,” involved a group of renowned internet personalities – bloggers, YouTubers, and tweeters with follower counts in the millions.
For a terrifying 24 hours, these self-proclaimed authorities on everything from astrophysics to international politics, to celebrity gossip were subjected to a horrifying reality: no internet access. No endless scrolling, no instant gratification, just…the horror…silence.
The results were as predictable as a clickbait headline.
“The subjects’ IQ scores dropped by an average of 30 points,” reported Dr. Nigel Netless, lead researcher at iDD. “They struggled to answer basic questions, became inexplicably fascinated by houseplants, and some even resorted to…gasp…reading actual books!”
One particularly outspoken blogger, known online as “MemeMaster69,” was observed attempting to hold a conversation about the geopolitical climate using only emojis and poorly drawn doodles.
“It was like watching a deflated internet balloon animal,” Dr. Netless sighed.
The study has sparked a fierce debate within the online community.
“This is an outrage!” fumed a prominent YouTuber with a receding hairline and a collection of novelty fidget spinners. “They’re trying to silence our voices! How can we, the intellectual vanguard of the information age, be expected to function without the constant hum of the internet?”
Meanwhile, others are cautiously optimistic.
“Maybe this is a wake-up call,” offered a reformed troll who recently discovered the joy of birdwatching. “There’s a whole world out there beyond the comment section, and it’s surprisingly beautiful…if you can tear your eyes away from your phone long enough to see it.”
The long-term effects of this internet blackout remain to be seen. But one thing is certain: the next time you find yourself arguing with an online “expert” about the mating habits of the Patagonian Mara (which, let’s be honest, you probably were not), consider this: they might just be suffering from a severe case of Wi-Fi withdrawal.
Dial-Up Dread: IQ Drop After Brief Internet Hiatus Dial-Up Dread: IQ Drop After Brief Internet Hiatus
