In their noble quest to ensure public safety, police officers nationwide continue their tireless campaign against America’s most dangerous criminals: suburban dads doing 58 in a 55.
Despite public skepticism, officers insist these stops are never about revenue. “It’s not about money,” said Officer Brad K. while writing his 47th citation of the morning with the precision of a medieval scribe tallying church indulgences. “It’s about saving lives. And by lives, I mean funding our department’s new $85,000 drone that will absolutely not be used to spy on bikini parties.”
Experts point out that while violent crime rises and catalytic converters vanish faster than a magician’s rabbit, the real battlefield remains the half-mile stretch of empty county road behind the Dairy Queen. “You think bank robbers are scary?” asked one sergeant. “Try a soccer mom rolling through a stop sign at 2 mph. That’s where civilization collapses.”
Cities, of course, appreciate the added “public safety” revenue. In fact, one study found that in towns with populations under 10,000, traffic tickets account for approximately 107% of the annual budget—thanks to “creative accounting” and a generous definition of “reckless behavior.”
Still, officers maintain it’s all for our protection. “Without us, who would protect children from the horrors of a guy merging without his blinker?” said Officer Chad, polishing his citation pad like it was Excalibur. The children! For the love of god, THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
So the next time you see red and blue lights flashing in your rearview for nudging over the speed limit, don’t get mad. Smile. Because somewhere out there, a police department’s margarita machine fund just got another boost.
