CEDAR FALLS, IA—Patrons of Big Bean Coffee were forced to endure yet another two-hour storytelling session Tuesday morning, as a table of off-duty police officers loudly revisited their glory days of high school football, each insisting he had once scored four touchdowns in a single game.
“Yeah, it was the state semifinals,” said Sgt. Mike Danvers, polishing his badge while sipping a caramel latte. “We were down by 21 at halftime, but Coach looked me in the eyes and said, ‘Danvers, you’re the only man who can save this town.’ Next thing you know—four touchdowns, baby.”
Other officers quickly chimed in, swearing that they too had once achieved the exact same improbable athletic feat. Deputy Carl Jennings claimed his four-touchdown game occurred in “a snowstorm so fierce it made the Ice Bowl look like a backyard scrimmage,” while Lt. Greg Holmes said his happened “the same night I won prom king, rescued a kitten from a burning building, and kissed my future wife under the bleachers.”
Coffee shop customers reported that the tales grew increasingly absurd as the officers competed for attention. By the third round of refills, Officer Tony Vega was describing how his four touchdowns had single-handedly ended the Cold War, while Detective Steve Harmon swore his had secured a football scholarship to “Harvard’s elite varsity squad.”
“They all think they were Al Bundy from Married… With Children,” said barista Hannah Meyers, rolling her eyes. “Last week they were telling us how every single one of them was the starting quarterback. One of them actually claimed he intercepted his own pass and ran it back for six.” Meyers whispered “these assholes don’t even realize that their lives peaked in high school”.
At press time, the officers had concluded their story circle and were reportedly moving on to their second-favorite pastime: reminding everyone they “could’ve gone pro if it weren’t for a knee injury.”
