PUEBLO, CO — File this one under: what the actual F***? A Colorado funeral director just had his sweet plea deal tossed out after authorities discovered he’d been hoarding 191 corpses like they were Beanie Babies in the ’90s.
Jon Hallford, owner of the ironically named “Return to Nature Funeral Home,” apparently thought “return to nature” meant leaving bodies to decompose in the back like forgotten leftovers. Families, who thought they were grieving over loved ones’ ashes, later found out they’d actually been spooning tears onto bags of cement mix from Lowe’s.
Prosecutors tried to hand him a cushy 20 years, conveniently synced with his federal fraud sentence, because nothing screams “justice” like a two-for-one prison special. But the judge, who presumably still has a soul, said nope—pointing out that abusing nearly two hundred bodies maybe deserves more than time-served with a side of cafeteria Jell-O.
Colorado lawmakers are now scrambling to regulate funeral homes, because apparently “don’t stack corpses in the garage” wasn’t already in the rulebook. Better late than never, right?
Hallford, meanwhile, waits for his next court date on September 12. Until then, he’ll be known as the man who turned funeral services into the worst customer loyalty program in history: “Pay for cremation, get ashes free… just not the right ones.”
