WASHINGTON D.C. – In a stunning display of economic synchronicity, college tuition rates have skyrocketed just as the government implemented a revolutionary new loan program: “You Want a Degree? You Got It!”
This groundbreaking initiative, spearheaded by the Department of Education and enthusiastically endorsed by every for-profit college president within a 50-mile radius, guarantees a loan to any warm body with a pulse and a vague sense of wanting “more” out of life.
“We’re thrilled to see such a surge in college enrollment,” chirped Mildred Profitgood, CEO of Excelsior University (motto: “Degrees for Everyone!”). “These loans are a win-win! Students get their dream of attending college, and we get…well, a whole lot of new students!”
Critics, ever the suspicious bunch, might point to a potential conflict of interest. After all, with a guaranteed customer base (and a guaranteed government check to cover any defaults), who wouldn’t raise prices? But such cynicism is simply un-American!
“This is about opportunity, not profit!” declared Senator Bigbucks McMoneybags, a staunch supporter of the loan program and a major Excelsior University shareholder. “These kids deserve a chance to chase their dreams, regardless of their academic record, financial situation, or crippling fear of basic math.”
Financial experts, however, remain cautiously optimistic. “Sure, there might be a slight bubble,” conceded Professor Pennywise of the Totally-Not-a-Sham Economics Institute. “But hey, bubbles are just like the stock market – they always go up, right?”
So rest assured, future college students: your dreams are safe! Even if those dreams involve a degree in Underwater Basket Weaving and a lifetime of ramen noodles. After all, what’s a little debt compared to the priceless value of a “unique learning experience”?
So rest assured, future college students: your dreams are safe! Even if those dreams involve a degree in Underwater Basket Weaving and a lifetime of ramen noodles. After all, what’s a little debt compared to the priceless value of a “unique learning experience”? College Tuition Rates Mysteriously Soar College Tuition Rates Mysteriously Soar
