OREM, UT – In a fiery incident that has left religious scholars scratching their heads and scientists reaching for lotion, a local man ignited spontaneously in his residence early this morning. Emergency responders arrived to find the unnamed man, 32, a “pillar of the community” according to neighbors (though admittedly not a very sturdy pillar), reduced to a smoldering pile of clothes and a singed recliner.
The cause of the spontaneous combustion is a matter of hot debate. Local religious leaders are quick to point to divine intervention. Elder McKinley of the Orem East Stake chimed in, stating, “This is a clear case of moral turpitude meeting its fiery end. When a man strays from the righteous path, sometimes the only thing left to burn is himself.”
Medical professionals, however, are offering a more scientific explanation. Dr. Sandra Phillips, a burn specialist at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center, pointed to the possibility of “prolonged frictional heating.” She elaborated, “While rare, strenuous and repetitive activity can lead to a buildup of thermal energy, particularly in… sensitive areas. If the conditions are just right, ignition is not out of the realm of possibility.”
Dr. Phillips went on to recommend “proper ventilation” and “the use of lubricants” to avoid similar incidents. Elder McKinley, however, remained unconvinced. “Lubricants? Sounds suspiciously convenient for a society that has already lost its way. Perhaps if this young man had spent less time with himself and more time in scripture study, he wouldn’t be a pile of ashes right now.”
The debate is sure to rage on, with science offering an explanation most would rather not consider, and religion offering comfort through a healthy dose of public shaming. In the meantime, local fire officials are urging residents to “be mindful of their activities” and to “invest in flame-retardant pajamas, just in case.”
Celestial Bonfire or Chafing Mishap Celestial Bonfire or Chafing Mishap
