national
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Harold “Rock Solid” Johnson Passes Away: World Remembers Unwavering Commitment to Lies
MURFREESBORO, TN – The quiet town of Murfreesboro is mourning the loss of Harold “Rock Solid” Johnson, a…
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San Fran Crowns “Cardboard King” in Upcycled (and Slightly Soggy) Ceremony
San Francisco, CA – In a development that surprised literally no one who’s ever navigated Market Street at…
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“Hold On, You Mean We Can’t All Retire on Beanie Babies and Classic Rock CDs?” – Bewildered Boomers Discover the Harsh Reality of Their Empty Nests (and Even Emptier Bank Accounts)
NAPLES, FL – In a development as shocking as the cancellation of “Full House” reruns, a generation of…
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Trump to Pay Hush Money to Biden After Fucking Him in Tonight’s Debate
1 ALANTA, GA – In an unprecedented turn of events that has left political analysts and satirists alike…
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College Tuition Rates Mysteriously Soar Alongside Guaranteed Loan Programs: Coincidence? Absolutely.
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a stunning display of economic synchronicity, college tuition rates have skyrocketed just as the…
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Founding Father’s Forbidden Fruit: Ben Franklin Revealed to be 92% Venereal Disease, Historians Shocked.
Philadelphia, PA – In a groundbreaking discovery that sheds new light on the “founding fluids” of our nation,…
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Janet Yellen’s Advice to Affording Groceries: “Just Be Worth 20 Million Dollars Like Me, I’ve Barely Noticed the Spike in Grocery Prices”
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a stunning display of financial acumen and impeccable timing, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen has unveiled her…
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Local Sales Manager Astounds Team by Motivating Without Clichéd Sports Analogies
ATLANTA, GA – In a development defying all odds, a regional sales manager has reportedly led his team…
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Humanity 2.0 Debuts: Turns Out Asshole-ism is the Dominant Gene, Scientists Shocked (But Not That Shocked)
San Francisco, CA – In a development that would surprise literally no one who’s ever scrolled through a…
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Therapist Fired After Committing Cardinal Sin: Actually Curing Patient
TRENTON, NJ – In a development that has sent shockwaves through the psychiatry community, a local therapist, Mildred…
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Cheeto Shortage Leaves Snackers Cheezless: #BringBackTheCheetle Gains Steam
1 Milwaukee, WI – A sense of despair hung heavy in the air at a Milwaukee gas station…
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Entire Population Of California Determined To Be On The Spectrum.
Sacramento, CA – In a groundbreaking discovery that explains a whole lot about kombucha popularity and freeway rage,…