national
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Hamburglar’s Criminal History Discovered to Have Started After Being Jailed by Kamala Harris for Being in Possession of 1 Joint.
CHICAGO – IL. In a shocking revelation that has stunned both the fast-food and legal communities, newly uncovered…
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Hard Seltzers Provide Rapid Gender Transition From Male to Female.
ORLANDO, FL – In a development that’s sure to send shockwaves through the beverage and gender identity communities…
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Project 2025 Details Revealed: It Turns Out That Trumps Plans Revolve Entirely Around Pissing Off Some Guy in Salt Lake City Named Bob
Salt Lake City, UT – In an exclusive exposé that has stunned political analysts and ordinary citizens alike,…
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After Going into Debt for Disney Vacation, Parents Ask Biden for Loan Forgiveness
LAKE BUENA VISTA, FL – In a move that economists are calling “the most American thing ever,” a…
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U.C. Berkeley’s Latest Discovery Only Compounds The Problem Of Toxic Vaginas On Campus
BERKELEY, CA – As if navigating the treacherous waters of campus hookup culture wasn’t already nightmarish enough, a…
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U.S. Unveils Project Studmuffin: Genetically Engineered Super Males Fail to Impress Modern Females.
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a desperate attempt to reverse a declining birth rate, the U.S. government unveiled Project…
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Chinese President Xi Encourages US to Finish Border Wall, Saying They Haven’t Had Mexicans Crossing Their Wall in Over 2,000 Years
BEIJING, CHINA – In a surprising show of international support, Chinese President Xi Jinping held a press conference…
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Domestic Dispute Takes Dark Turn as Woman Withholds Sandwich, Accidentally Summons Hitler’s Spirit
CONCORD, NC – In a bizarre incident that has authorities baffled, a seemingly routine domestic spat escalated into…
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Subaru Grants Special Exemption Allowing Woman to Buy One of Their Cars Despite Not Being a Lesbian
MONTPELIER, VERMONT – In a groundbreaking move, Subaru of America announced today it has granted a special exemption…
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Cap’N Crunch Claims Another Victim: Boy Needs Surgery After Breakfast Turned Brawl
SEDONA, AZ – Ahoy, mateys! Prepare to batten down the hatches of your digestive systems, because Cap’N Crunch…
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Attorneys To Charge Inventors of USB-A Socket Design With Crimes Against Humanity
TRENTON, NJ. – In a landmark case that has tech nerds glued to their screens (ironically, with difficulty…
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Dial-Up Dread: Online “Experts” Suffer Catastrophic IQ Drop After Brief Internet Hiatus
Silicon Valley, CA – In a development that would send shivers down the spine of any self-respecting keyboard…