national
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Thomas Edison’s Midnight Legacy
MENLO PARK, NJ – Asshole Thomas Edison blamed for fucking up human sleep patterns since 1879. In a…
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From orbit to order: Astronauts’ next mission: Chili’s.
OUTER SPACE, EARTH – Boeing to compensate stranded astronauts with $25 meal voucher to Chili’s. In a heartwarming…
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“Artisanal” Tipping: Douchington’s Latest Money-Grab Scheme
NEW YORK, NY. – Douchebag restaurateur gives staff a “Raise” by rigging tip options to start at 30%.…
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Moochers Force Handyman’s Great Escape
TOLEDO OH. & URUGUAY – Handyman changes identity, starts new life in foreign country to avoid moochers. After…
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Manhattan Project: More Than Just a Hipster Hangout
NEW YORK – NY. Gen Z shocked to learn Manhattan Project wasn’t a pretentious coffee shop in SoHo.…
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Headline: Election Day 2024: America Holds Its Breath, and Its Sense of Humor
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – As the sun rises on Election Day 2024, America stretches, yawns, and braces…
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Biden to Retire to Produce Section of Local Supermarket, Where He Can Seamlessly Blend In with Other Vegetables
In a shocking yet oddly fitting turn of events, President Joe Biden announced today that he plans to…
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No Nut November Nominated as Official Holiday of Incels Nationwide
In a move that has sent shockwaves through the nation, a grassroots campaign has emerged to officially recognize…
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Childless Couple Considers Adoption Solely for Purpose of Getting Bullshit Days Off Work Like Everyone Else
EVERYWHERE, USA – In a bold move that has left their friends, family, and HR department speechless, local…
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Jimmy Buffett Album Sales Expected to Plummet to 0 After Final Alcoholic Boomer Dies
The music world is bracing for an unprecedented cultural collapse as experts predict that Jimmy Buffett’s album sales,…
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Skyrocketing Insurance Prices Cause Woman’s Car to Be Totaled, as Insurance Bill Exceeds Value of the Car
DETROIT – MI. In a stunning and deeply ironic twist of fate, local woman Jennifer Davies found herself…
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Leroy Jones Spends 52k on Hunting Equipment, Yields 50 Lbs. of Gamey Deer Meat to Take Home
Leroy Jones Spends 52k on Hunting Equipment, Yields 50 Lbs. of Gamey Deer Meat to Take Home