Category: national

BOULDER, CO – In a development that would shock literally no one familiar with the decision-making skills of a fraternity composite picture, a group of toga-clad young men at Sigma Tau Epsilon (allegedly) learned a valuable lesson this weekend: sometimes, internet cocktail “hacks” dreamt up by basement dwellers are, well, just that.

The saga began with a dubious online recipe titled “The Bro-Tail”: a potent concoction of peach brandy and cinnamon schnapps, promising a night of “legendary smoothness” and “unforgettable (but probably forgettable) experiences.”

“It sounded perfect, dude,” slurred Chad “Chugsworth” McBrosevelt (19), nursing a throbbing headache and a newfound appreciation for hydration. “Peaches? Cinnamon? How could it go wrong?”

Apparently, in a multitude of ways. Multiple members of Sigma Tau Epsilon (allegedly) reported experiencing a symphony of unpleasant side effects, including (but not limited to) heartburn so intense it could melt a keg, a newfound appreciation for the porcelain throne, and a crippling fear of anything remotely resembling a fuzzy peach.

Medical professionals are unsurprised. “Mixing sugary schnapps with high-proof brandy is a recipe for disaster, not debauchery,” said Dr. Chad “Hangover Helper” Kensington, a leading expert in fraternity-related medical emergencies. “These young men would be better off sticking to water and basic social skills.”

Social media, naturally, is having a field day. Memes featuring photos of grimacing frat boys captioned “The Bro-Tail: More like the Bro-Fail” are flooding Twitter and Instagram. Rival fraternity Delta Kappa Epsilon (allegedly) even sent over a fruit basket and a “Get Well Soon” card, though some speculate it might have been laced with laxatives.

The members of Sigma Tau Epsilon (allegedly) remain tight-lipped about the incident. However, sources report a newfound appreciation for responsible drinking and a healthy fear of anything advertised as a “legendary” party hack.

One thing’s for sure: the annals of frat house folklore have a new cautionary tale. Future generations of toga-clad revelers will be wise to remember the fateful night of the Bro-Tail, a testament to the age-old truth: sometimes, the best party hack is a little bit of common sense.

frat house mystery, frat house mystery

NEW YORK, NY – In a move that would make Freud spin in his grave (faster than usual), students at Columbia University have crowned none other than notorious serial killer Ted Bundy the “Sexiest Man in History.” Apparently, brooding charm and a complete disregard for personal boundaries are the new erogenous zones on campus.

“He may have lacked a moral compass,” conceded history major Tiffany Fairchild, gazing dreamily at a grainy photo of Bundy, “but have you seen those cheekbones? Plus, the whole ‘murderous mystery’ thing is a total turn-on.”

The decision, reached through a hotly contested online poll (because apparently, student loans don’t cover therapy anymore), has left the academic community reeling. Professors are scrambling to rewrite their syllabi, replacing Dostoevsky with case studies of charismatic sociopaths.

“We’re encouraging a more nuanced discussion of masculinity,” stammered Dr. Harold Peters, a literature professor visibly struggling to keep his breakfast down. “Apparently, ‘nuanced’ now includes a healthy dose of homicidal rage.”

Meanwhile, the student body remains unfazed. Bundy merchandise – think “Single White Ted” t-shirts and “Conversations with a Killer” scented candles – is flying off the shelves of the campus bookstore. Fraternity houses are reportedly planning “Ted Bundy Themed” mixers, complete with fake handcuffs and questionable mustache contests.

“Look, everyone has a type,” shrugged philosophy major Chad Brogan, nonchalantly sporting a “Bundy Did Nothing Wrong” trucker hat. “Besides, at least he wasn’t boring.”

The implications for future generations are chilling (pun intended). Are we entering an era where Jeffrey Dahmer becomes a rom-com heartthrob and Jack the Ripper the ultimate bad boy? Only time will tell.

But one thing’s for sure: Columbia University’s dating scene just got a whole lot more disturbing. Just remember, ladies, if your date suggests a “walk in the park,” politely decline. Unless, of course, you’re into that sort of thing. In which case, seek professional help.

Columbia’s Finest Choose Bundy, Columbia’s Finest Choose Bundy