Est. 2024

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Dumpster Dive

Category: national

  • Institutions of Higher Learning Shockingly Prioritize, You Guessed It, Learning

    Institutions of Higher Learning Shockingly Prioritize, You Guessed It, Learning

    CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a move so radical it’s practically Marxist (but without the free lattes), several prominent colleges across the nation have announced a shocking shift in focus: offering actual education. Yes, you read that right. Apparently, after decades of prioritizing impassioned protests over, you know, pesky things like lectures and textbooks, these bastions of higher learning seem to be rediscovering the forgotten art of, well, teaching stuff.

    “We understand this may come as a surprise,” stammered a visibly nervous Dean Butterfield of Cambridge University, clutching a well-worn copy of “Calculus for Dummies.” “For years, our primary objective has been fostering a vibrant environment of… uh… spirited debate. But recent alumni surveys suggest a concerning lack of basic knowledge about, say, the Pythagorean Theorem or the periodic table.”

    The news has been met with mixed reactions. Students, accustomed to a steady diet of campus protests and guest speakers whose expertise lies solely in being very angry about something, are understandably confused. “Wait, so we’re supposed to learn things here?” mumbled a bewildered sophomore, clutching a half-empty bottle of kombucha. “Isn’t that what high school was for?”

    Professors, on the other hand, seem cautiously optimistic. “It’s been a while since I’ve actually lectured on a topic unrelated to dismantling the patriarchy,” chuckled Dr. Weathers of the History department, dusting off his tweed jacket and a stack of dusty textbooks. “Who knows, maybe we can even discuss, you know, actual historical events, not just how they relate to the current student loan crisis.”

    While the long-term effects of this shocking turn of events remain to be seen, one thing is certain: the college bookstore is bracing for a surge in sales of… dare we say it… actual textbooks. As for the fate of the campus free speech zones? Well, those might just have to be repurposed for something truly radical – like, gasp, studying.

    You Guessed it Learning, You Guessed it Learning

  • Doctors Blow the Whistle: Most Carpal Tunnel Not From Typing, But Rather From Raucous Masturbation.

    Doctors Blow the Whistle: Most Carpal Tunnel Not From Typing, But Rather From Raucous Masturbation.

    DES MOINS, IA – In a revelation that’s sure to leave many red-faced (and possibly hand-numbed), a team of leading orthopedists has shattered a long-held myth: carpal tunnel syndrome isn’t just a keyboard warrior’s woe. In fact, a shocking new study suggests the majority of carpal tunnel cases are caused by something far more…personal.

    “We were seeing a disturbing trend,” admitted Dr. Phil McCracken, lead researcher and self-proclaimed “wrist whisperer.” “Young, healthy people, with minimal keyboard use, were coming in with classic carpal tunnel symptoms. It just didn’t add up.”

    Further investigation, involving awkward surveys and some truly unfortunate MRI results, revealed the culprit: “The Midnight Shift,” as Dr.McCracken calls it (a euphemism so transparent it practically winked).

    “Apparently, the repetitive motions associated with…uh…self-satisfaction are putting a major strain on people’s wrists,” Dr. McCracken explained, delicately adjusting his stethoscope. “Who knew a little ‘me time’ could be so physically demanding?”

    The news has sent shockwaves through the medical community. Pornhub is scrambling to add carpal tunnel warnings to their content, while lube manufacturers are considering a “wrist-friendly” formula.

    Meanwhile, patients are struggling to come to terms with the diagnosis. “It’s embarrassing!” confessed a sheepish Mr. Johnson (not his real name, obviously). “I always thought carpal tunnel was for accountants and video game addicts, not…well, you know.”

    Social media, unsurprisingly, is exploding with memes and jokes. “#WankersWrists” is trending worldwide, and support groups for “The Five Knuckle Shuffle” are popping up online faster than you can say “ouch.”

    However, some experts are concerned about the potential for moral panic. “This isn’t about shaming people,” stressed Dr. McCracken, holding up a stress ball shaped suspiciously like a miniature keyboard. “It’s about education and moderation. Just like with typing, maybe take some breaks from ‘Working The Midnight Shift.’”

    So, the next time you reach for that stress ball (or whatever your preferred method may be), take a moment to consider the health of your wrists. After all, a little self-care goes a long way – both physically and emotionally. Just don’t blame us if the next time you log onto Pornhub, you get a pop-up ad for wrist braces.

    Most Carpal Tunnel Not From Typing Most Carpal Tunnel Not From Typing

  • Financial Guru Shocks World With Revolutionary New Concept: Don’t Buy Shit You Can’t Afford

    Financial Guru Shocks World With Revolutionary New Concept: Don’t Buy Shit You Can’t Afford

    LOS ANGELES, CA – In a groundbreaking move that has sent shockwaves through the get-rich-quick self-help industry, financial guru Bartholomew “Cash” Sterling (author of the bestselling trilogy “From Ramen to Rolls Royce”) has unveiled his latest magnum opus: “Don’t Buy Shit You Can’t Afford: A Revolutionary Guide to Not Being Broke.”

    Sterling, a man whose net worth is rumored to be directly proportional to the number of teeth he has (all very white and gleaming), promises to “shatter the shackles of debt” and “unlock the secrets to financial freedom” with this “paradigm-shifting” book.

    Early reviews are…mixed.

    “It’s mind-blowing,” gushed Tiffany Sparkle, a self-proclaimed “influencer” whose Instagram feed is a carefully curated display of designer handbags and questionable vacation photos. “Cash has opened my eyes! Maybe I don’t need that fifth diamond bracelet after all!”

    Financial experts, however, are less impressed. “The audacity! The sheer revolutionary nature of it all!” scoffed Professor Pennywise Pincher, a renowned economist who lives solely on expired coupons and spite. “Not buying things you can’t afford? Who would’ve thought?!”

    The book’s core principles include:

    • The Latte Factor: This revolutionary concept posits that skipping your daily $7 latte habit could, over time, potentially allow you to afford…a slightly used latte machine? (Latte sales have plummeted in response.)
    • The Impulse Control Enforcer: A handy flowchart that helps readers navigate the treacherous waters of online shopping sprees. (Spoiler alert: it always ends with “Don’t buy it.”)
    • The “Needs vs. Wants” Venn Diagram: This mind-bending visual aid helps readers differentiate between essential life necessities (like a $500 self-help book) and frivolous desires (like, say, food or a roof over your head).

    The book also gives readers access to online educational courses including, “What is a calculator and how to use it”, as well as “Addition and subtraction, it’s not just for 6 year olds anymore”.

    While some critics dismiss the book as “common sense masquerading as genius,” Sterling remains undeterred.

    “People need a wake-up call!” he declared, adjusting his diamond-encrusted cufflinks. “This book is a beacon of hope, a ray of financial enlightenment in a world drowning in debt!”

    Whether “Don’t Buy Shit You Can’t Afford” will truly revolutionize the financial landscape or simply line Sterling’s already overflowing pockets with even more cash remains to be seen. But one thing’s for sure: it’s bound to spark a lively debate about the true cost of achieving “financial freedom” in a world obsessed with conspicuous consumption. Just don’t expect to find a signed copy on sale. Sterling, after all, isn’t in the business of selling things you can’t afford.

    New Concept Don’t Buy Shit You Can’t Afford New Concept Don’t Buy Shit You Can’t Afford

  • MILF Dream Turns Moldy: Man Shocked to Discover Experienced Lady Friend, Actually Ages

    MILF Dream Turns Moldy: Man Shocked to Discover Experienced Lady Friend, Actually Ages

    DENVER, CO – In a cautionary tale for the internet-addled masses, local man Brad Chadlington (32) is grappling with a harsh reality: MILFs, it turns out, are not immortal goddesses sculpted by Photoshop and strategically placed lighting.

    Brad, a self-proclaimed ” connoisseur of the finer things in life” (said finer things being Monster Energy drinks and ironic trucker hats), had long harbored a fervent desire to date a “MILF” – a term he vaguely understood to mean “attractive older woman.” After years of swiping right on suspiciously young women with strategically placed filters, Brad finally snagged his dream date: Vanessa, a statuesque 62-year-old who, according to her profile pic, enjoyed “long walks on the beach” and “looking fabulous.”

    The first few dates were a whirlwind of awkward silences and strained conversations about “classic rock” (a genre Vanessa hadn’t heard of until Brad painstakingly explained it to her). However, Brad was smitten. Vanessa, despite her occasional need for reading glasses and the occasional mention of “these darn creaky knees,” was everything he’d ever dreamed of – a woman old enough to be his mom (but hopefully not act like one).

    However, the honeymoon phase hit a snag about a month in. Vanessa started canceling dates at the last minute, citing “aches and pains” and a sudden aversion to loud music (a dealbreaker for Brad, who firmly believed all dates should be soundtracked by Nickelback).

    “I thought she was just playing hard to get,” Brad confided in his buddy, Chad (who, ironically, was also dating a woman named Vanessa who enjoyed “long naps” and “early bird specials”). “But then she started needing naps in the middle of our dates! Apparently, being a total babe takes a lot out of you.”

    The final straw came when Brad, mid-sentence about his epic fantasy football draft, found Vanessa asleep in his recliner, clutching a heating pad and a well-worn copy of “Reader’s Digest.”

    “It was like looking at my own grandma, only with less bingo dabbers and way more disappointed sighs,” Brad lamented. “The dream is officially dead.”

    Relationship experts are unsurprised. “MILFs, like all humans, are subject to the cruel passage of time,” Dr. Phil McGraw-It-Goes-Both-Ways explained. “They eventually trade in their stilettos for sensible shoes and their late-night clubbing for afternoons spent meticulously organizing coupon folders.”

    Brad, meanwhile, is back on the dating apps, swiping right with renewed, if slightly jaded, enthusiasm. “Maybe I should just stick to my own age group,” he mused. “Less chance of them breaking a hip before I kiss them goodnight.”

    Just then, his phone buzzed with a notification. It was Vanessa, with a message that simply read: “Feeling spry! Up for bowling tonight?”

    Brad sighed, a single tear rolling down his cheek. Maybe some dreams were best left unfulfilled, especially if they involved questionable footwear and a crippling fear of strikes.

    Man Shocked to Discover MILF Actually Ages Man Shocked to Discover MILF Actually Ages

  • Shocking Discovery: Government Spends Millions to Confirm What Everyone Knew – Summer is a Balls-Roasting Bonanza

    Shocking Discovery: Government Spends Millions to Confirm What Everyone Knew – Summer is a Balls-Roasting Bonanza

    1

    MIAMI, FL – In a scientific triumph that would make Captain Obvious himself do a spit-take, a multi-million dollar government study has definitively proven what every sunburnt soul already knew: summer is hotter than balls.

    The aptly named “Summer Heat: An In-Depth Exploration of Testicular vs Ambient Air Temperature” research project, spearheaded by the Department of Redundant Research Department (DRRD), involved years of meticulous research and a human test subject with a particularly impressive tolerance for discomfort.


    “It’s been a real scorcher of a project,” admitted Dr. Irving Sweatyhands, lead researcher on the study, dabbing his brow with a suspiciously damp lab coat sleeve. “We subjected our brave volunteer, Gary ‘Heatstroke’ Johnson, to a variety of scorching environments, from the unforgiving Nevada desert to the sweltering humidity of a Florida swamp. The results were…well, let’s just say Gary’s tolerance for heat rash is truly awe-inspiring.”


    The study’s groundbreaking findings, while undeniably clear-cut, were met with a resounding “duh” from the American public. “Hotter than…what exactly?” mumbled construction worker Hank McHammer, squinting at the sun like a particularly grumpy lizard. “Tell me somethin’ I don’t know, Doc, like maybe how to keep my tools from melting on the sidewalk.”


    Undeterred by the public’s lukewarm reception, the DRRD is doubling down on its commitment to groundbreaking research. “This study represents a critical first step,” declared a spokesperson, cranking the air conditioning unit to an arctic setting that would make penguins jealous. “The next phase will focus on even more pressing questions, such as ‘Is water really wet?’ and the perennial favorite, ‘Do Mondays actually suck?’”


    Taxpayers, meanwhile, are expressing a renewed interest in the inner workings of the DRRD, particularly their, shall we say, unique selection process for research projects. “Honestly, I wouldn’t mind putting my tax dollars towards figuring out why the break room coffee always tastes like lukewarm despair,” sighed office worker Brenda Bloggs, fanning herself with a manila folder.


    So there you have it folks. Science, in its infinite wisdom, has confirmed what millions of us already knew: summer is hot. Really, really hot. Hot enough to make even the most stoic blue collar individual consider a career change to pencil pushing desk jockey in order to gain access to the cool refreshing breeze of recycled 72 degree office air. Just ask Gary “Heatstroke” Johnson. He’d tell you, if he could muster the energy to speak through his heatstroke-induced delirium.

    summer is hotter than balls

  • Silicon Valley in Shambles as Woman Chooses Meaningful Work Over Exploiting Thirst Traps

    Silicon Valley in Shambles as Woman Chooses Meaningful Work Over Exploiting Thirst Traps

    SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In a development sending shockwaves through the tech brosphere, a prominent OnlyFans model has reportedly abandoned the lucrative world of strategically placed pillows and suggestive poses in favor of, gasp, a real job. Experts are calling this a “once-in-a-millennium event” with potentially catastrophic consequences for the emotional well-being of lonely billionaires.

    “It’s like the sun decided to set in the east,” says venture capitalist Chad Thundercock, wiping away a single, perfectly sculpted tear. “One minute she’s raking in six figures with a strategically blurred bathtub selfie, the next she’s talking about, I dunno, ‘fulfillment’ and ‘health insurance.’”

    The former model, who goes by the alias “PixieDust69” (though rumors swirl she might actually have a real name), has reportedly taken a position as a… shudder… marketing coordinator at a sustainable yoga mat company. Industry insiders are beside themselves.

    “Who needs emotional connection when you have a Birkin bag full of cash?” laments influencer-turned-life coach Tiffany “Cashmere Dreams” Featherbottom. “This is a betrayal of the highest order! What are lonely hedge fund managers supposed to do with all this… checks notes disposable income?”

    Social media is abuzz with conspiracy theories. Some speculate PixieDust69 has been kidnapped by radical feminists hellbent on dismantling the “thigh-high boot industrial complex.” Others believe she’s finally cracked under the pressure of maintaining a perfectly curated “carefree” lifestyle.

    “Maybe she just… wants a decent night’s sleep without the existential dread of being judged by millions for the size of her breakfast smoothie” whispers a lone voice of reason, quickly drowned out by a chorus of “socialist propaganda!”

    Silicon Valley analysts are scrambling to assess the long-term impact of this unprecedented event. Fears abound that a domino effect will ensue, leading to a mass exodus of scantily clad influencers opting for, dare we say it, careers with actual growth opportunities and 401k plans.

    The future, it seems, is uncertain. But one thing remains clear: the internet might just have to find a new way to cope with the crushing emptiness of a billionaire’s soul.

    Woman chooses meaningful work over Only Fans Woman chooses meaningful work over Only Fans

  • Swipe Left for Solvency: Man Makes Rookie Dating Mistake, Accidentally Orders Appetizer, Now Financially Responsible for Woman’s Entire Life

    Swipe Left for Solvency: Man Makes Rookie Dating Mistake, Accidentally Orders Appetizer, Now Financially Responsible for Woman’s Entire Life

    SEATTLE, WA – In a cautionary tale for the romantically naive, a local man is experiencing the harsh realities of modern dating after mistakenly believing a first date meant splitting the bill. Experts warn this common misconception can lead to financial ruin and a lifetime of avocado toast dependency.

    “I thought it was a simple dinner, you know, get to know each other, some laughs,” stammered Daniel Peterson, a recent college graduate still adjusting to the harsh realities of post-graduation life. “But then she ordered the ahi tuna crudo, and suddenly it felt like I’d just signed a prenuptial agreement.”

    Peterson, a self-proclaimed “budgeting whiz,” meticulously tracked his finances for years. However, he tragically neglected to factor in the hidden costs of modern courtship. “Apparently, asking someone out now means you’re also adopting their student loan debt,” he lamented, staring glumly at the dwindling balance in his bank account.

    Dating experts are quick to offer advice for hapless singles like Peterson. They recommend a frank, pre-date conversation about “financial expectations.” This, they warn, can be a delicate dance, often resulting in awkward silences and accusations of gold-digging.

    “The safest bet? Just assume you’re on the hook for everything,” advises relationship guru Barry “The Closer” St. Pickwick, sporting a suspiciously large diamond pinky ring. “Dinner, drinks, therapy sessions to unpack your childhood baggage – it all falls on you, buddy. Welcome to the wonderful world of modern dating!”

    Social media is abuzz with the “Peterson predicament,” with men sharing horror stories of first dates that turned into financial audits. Women, meanwhile, are divided. Some defend the practice of expecting men to pay, citing the historical gender pay gap. Others find it outdated and encourage a more equitable approach.

    One thing’s for sure: the traditional “wining and dining” first date is facing a financial reckoning. Millennials, burdened by student loans and avocado toast addiction, are simply not equipped to foot the bill for an entire relationship based on a single appetizer. The future of dating may involve picnics in the park, BYOB movie nights, and a healthy dose of pre-date financial transparency.

    So, the next time you swipe right, remember: love might be blind, but your bank account doesn’t have to be. Unless, of course, you enjoy a lifetime of ramen noodles for two and the constant fear of accidentally ordering the “chef’s tasting menu.” In that case, good luck, soldier. You’re going to need it.

    Man Makes Rookie Dating Mistake Accidentally Orders Appetizer Man Makes Rookie Dating Mistake Accidentally Orders Appetizer

  • World Reeling After Woman’s Panties Bunch Up During Black Friday Melee: “This is Unprecedented,” Says Underwear Industry

    World Reeling After Woman’s Panties Bunch Up During Black Friday Melee: “This is Unprecedented,” Says Underwear Industry

    BENTONVILLE, AR – In a shocking turn of events that has left the scientific community baffled, a woman identified only as Mildred K. (fearing social repercussions, she declined to give her full name) has reported a never-before-seen phenomenon: her panties became demonstrably “in a wad” during a Black Friday shopping frenzy at a local Walmart.

    “It was like nothing I’d ever experienced,” stammered Mildred, clutching a half-deflated Mylar balloon emblazoned with a cartoon turkey. “One minute I’m lunging for that last discounted air fryer, the next minute – well, let’s just say things got uncomfortably wedged.”

    Medical professionals are scrambling to understand this anomaly. Dr. Thaddeus Tighty-Whities, a leading gynecologist specializing in undergarment distress, expressed deep concern. “Panties bunching? During Black Friday? This is uncharted territory,” he said, stroking his neatly trimmed beard. “The human body simply wasn’t designed to withstand such a potent combination of bargain-basement desperation and poorly constructed elastic waistbands.”

    The underwear industry is also in a state of disarray. “We’ve spent decades perfecting the art of the ‘comfortable yet sexy’ panty,” lamented a spokesperson for Dependable Diapers (who also mysteriously manufactures women’s undergarments). “Apparently, ‘comfortable enough to withstand a stampede for discounted yoga pants’ wasn’t on the agenda.”

    Meanwhile, social media is abuzz with the hashtag #WadGate, with women sharing their own stories of Black Friday-induced undergarment malfunctions. Some are calling for a national day of mourning, while others are urging a boycott of all future Black Friday sales.

    Mildred, however, remains optimistic. “Sure, my dignity is a little bruised, and replacing a perfectly good pair of panties is a financial blow,” she conceded, “but at least I snagged that air fryer at 70% off!”

    As the world grapples with the implications of Mildred’s experience, one thing is certain: Black Friday shopping will never be the same. Shoppers are advised to invest in heavily reinforced undergarments, copious amounts of patience, and perhaps a healthy dose of self-reflection before venturing into the retail warzone.

    World Reeling After Woman’s Panties Bunch Up World Reeling After Woman’s Panties Bunch Up

  • Nerd Learns the Hard Way: Button Mushrooms Don’t Actually Unlock the Multiverse

    Nerd Learns the Hard Way: Button Mushrooms Don’t Actually Unlock the Multiverse

    SCRANTON, PA – In a humiliating turn of events for the local science club president, Harold Fitzwilliam, 15, learned the hard way this weekend that hallucinations are not a guaranteed side effect of indulging in a Domino’s “ExtravaganZZa.”

    Harold, after spending weeks regaling his classmates with tales of his upcoming “mycological adventure” (a fancy way of saying he was going to eat some mushrooms on a pizza), found himself facing a far less cosmic reality.

    “I devoured that entire pizza, crust and all,” Harold recounted, his voice laced with a newfound respect for the power of greasy cardboard. “I was expecting to commune with sentient spores and unlock the secrets of the universe, you know, the usual nerd stuff. But all I got was a massive heartburn and a newfound appreciation for the sheer audacity of charging $20 for lukewarm fungi.”

    Harold’s descent from self-proclaimed psychedelic explorer to heartburn-ridden disappointment began shortly after his ill-advised Domino’s feast. Instead of the expected interdimensional travel, Harold found himself stuck on the porcelain throne, engaging in a very real, and decidedly un-enlightening, dimension-hopping experience.

    “There were these these… fractal patterns on the bathroom tiles,” Harold stammered, clearly shaken. “And I swear, for a second, I thought I saw the pepperoni curl into a tiny, accusatory face. But then I realized it was just the grease messing with my eyes.”

    Social media, of course, was quick to capitalize on Harold’s misfortune. #DominosDoesntDeliverDimensions and #ShroomlessPizza were trending locally within hours, with classmates mercilessly posting photos of Harold mid-presentation, his face flushed with the fervor of a man about to embark on a spiritual journey, juxtaposed with a picture of a half-eaten Domino’s pizza.

    Harold, forced to endure the slings and arrows of his peers, now claims he was merely conducting a “scientific experiment” to test the validity of psilocybin mushrooms existing on commercially available pizzas. Science teachers, however, remain unconvinced.

    “Harold may want to stick to building baking soda volcanoes for a while,” remarked Mrs. Henderson, the ever-patient science teacher. “There’s a whole world of fascinating science out there, and thankfully, most of it doesn’t involve questionable pizza toppings.”

    Harold, meanwhile, is left to contemplate the existential void often found at the bottom of a greasy pizza box. One thing’s for sure: his next “scientific experiment” will likely involve something a little less… cheesy.

    Local Nerd Learns the Hard Way Local Nerd Learns the Hard Way

  • Houston Taco Cart on Edge After Yelp Review Raises Explosive Concerns

    Houston Taco Cart on Edge After Yelp Review Raises Explosive Concerns

    HOUSTON, TX – A local taco cart slinging barbacoa and carnitas is under FBI investigation after a glowing Yelp review praised their tacos as “the bomb!”

    Authorities are scrambling to determine if this is a harmless expression of culinary delight or a coded message for a nefarious plot.
    The review, left by a user identified only as “SpicySeñorita420,” raved about the cart’s “killer salsas” and “dynamite carne asada.” However, it was the concluding line, “These tacos are the bomb!” that sent shivers down the spines of federal agents.

    “Look, in these times, you can’t take anything for granted,” said Agent Jack McGruff, a seasoned explosives expert sporting a particularly tight suit. “SpicySeñorita420 could be a harmless foodie with a penchant for hyperbole. Or, she could be a sleeper agent for a rogue salsa cartel, using Yelp as a platform to announce their latest weapon of mass deliciousness.”

    The taco cart owner, Miguel “Don Miguel” Ramirez, is bewildered by the sudden influx of black SUVs and men in sunglasses. “These are just tacos, amigos,” he pleads, gesturing to his sizzling carne asada with a well-worn spatula. “The only bombs I know are the flavor kind that explode in your mouth.”

    Don Miguel’s pleas have fallen on deaf ears. The FBI has cordoned off the area, erected a mobile food safety lab (because, you know, priorities), and is subjecting every taco to a rigorous interrogation – X-ray scans, taste tests by agents with surprisingly discerning palates, and a battery of questions about the structural integrity of the tortillas.

    “We’re taking this very seriously,” assures McGruff, adjusting his mirrored sunglasses. “One wrong ingredient, one rogue jalapeño, and this whole city block could be salsa-fied. We can’t afford to take any chances with a taco this good.”

    Yelp, meanwhile, is distancing itself from the whole mess. “SpicySeñorita420’s review has been flagged for further investigation,” a spokesperson chirped nervously. “In the future, we encourage users to express their culinary enthusiasm in a more… conventional manner. Perhaps ‘lit’ or ‘fire’ would be more appropriate?”

    The investigation is ongoing, with no resolution in sight. Houston residents are left wondering: will they ever enjoy a Don Miguel taco again? And is there really such a thing as a taco that’s too good? Only time, and the tireless efforts of the FBI’s Taco Task Force, will tell.

    Taco cart raided after being described as “the bomb” Taco cart raided after being described as “the bomb”

  • Wyoming High School Graduate Devastated After Discovering Laying Pipe Isn’t What His Buddies Made It Out To Be.

    Wyoming High School Graduate Devastated After Discovering Laying Pipe Isn’t What His Buddies Made It Out To Be.


    CHEYENNE, WY – In a tragic display of shattered dreams and misplaced bravado, local high school graduate Rusty Trombone III has reportedly entered a state of deep emotional turmoil after his first week on the job at Big Wyoming Oil. Apparently, the “laying pipe” Rusty’s buddies bragged about in gym class involved local rodeo queen Candy Sue McMoo, and not the arduous manual labor that he has been assigned.

    “Man, this ain’t what Coach told us about,” whimpered Rusty, wiping a bead of sweat (and possibly a tear) from his brow. “He said it would be the best years of my life, and, like, what it’s like to become a man. This is just a bunch of dirt, sweat, and these weird yellow safety vests that make me look like a deranged banana.”

    Rusty’s disillusionment began on his first day when, instead of being introduced to local sweethearts, he was handed a shovel and a stern lecture on the dangers of trench foot and overhead cranes. Days spent battling the elements and his own rapidly diminishing enthusiasm were a far cry from the high school fantasy of conquering the risks of venereal diseases and developing unwavering swagger.

    “I thought there’d be more, you know, pipe-laying,” confided Rusty to his equally bewildered buddy, Skeeter Jenkins. “Like, the kind that involves ladies, and, uh, maybe some celebratory fist bumps with my friends”.

    Skeeter, a seasoned veteran of three whole weeks on the job, simply chuckled and offered Rusty some Copenhagen, “Welcome to the real world, bud,” he said with a sigh. “Turns out most things in life involve a lot more dirt and a lot less high fives.”

    Rusty’s plight has sparked a minor social media debate in Cheyenne, with #LayingPipeTheReality trending alongside calls for a more realistic portrayal of blue-collar jobs in high school curriculums. However, experts warn that any such changes might lead to a decline in high school enrollment and a subsequent oil worker shortage.
    In the meantime, Rusty is said to be contemplating a career change, possibly something that involves less manual labor and more celebratory high fives. Perhaps a political position?

  • Boomer Devastated to Learn That He Can No Longer Lean on Work He Did for the Company Back in 1994

    Boomer Devastated to Learn That He Can No Longer Lean on Work He Did for the Company Back in 1994

    SAN FRANCISCO, CA – In a shocking turn of events, 58-year-old marketing manager, Roger Thompson, was left emotionally distraught after learning his single PowerPoint presentation from 1994 titled “Synergy: A Buzzword for the Future” would no longer be considered “cutting-edge.”

    “I don’t understand,” Thompson whimpered, clutching a printout of the presentation adorned with clip art of fax machines and handshake emojis. “I poured my heart and soul into those Comic Sans arrows. Back then, everyone was raving about it!” Thompson went on to lament “I knocked it out of the park with this PowerPoint.  The least the company could do is continue to pay me a six figure salary for three decades to show their appreciation for my skillset”.

    Sources report Thompson spent a significant portion of his career reminding colleagues of his “pivotal role” in developing the company’s internet presence, which consisted of a single, text-heavy webpage featuring a pixelated company logo.

    “They wouldn’t even be here without me,” Thompson lamented, gesturing dramatically at the sleek, open-plan office. “I practically invented the internet for this company. Back when we used dial-up and everyone had to wait their turn!”

    Junior marketing associate, Sarah Chen, attempted to explain the concept of technological advancements, but Thompson dismissed her with a scoff.

    “Millennials with their avocado toast and fidget spinners wouldn’t know a good presentation if it bit them in the floppy disk,” he grumbled.

    In a show of solidarity, Thompson’s colleagues have offered him a participation trophy commemorating his “contributions to the digital age.” However, Thompson remains inconsolable, muttering about the “good old days” when a single, outdated presentation was enough to coast on for a career.

    At press time, Thompson was seen dusting off his old pager, convinced it would make a stylish comeback.

    Boomer Devastated about 1994 PowerPoint Boomer Devastated about 1994 PowerPoint