Est. 2024

Where the truth wears a tutu and the facts fandango. We are the Damned unreliable News!

Dumpster Dive

Category: national

  • Trump Discovers That Minnesota Is Within 2 Months of Enriching Weapons-Grade Uranium—Military Invasion Imminent

    Trump Discovers That Minnesota Is Within 2 Months of Enriching Weapons-Grade Uranium—Military Invasion Imminent

    By Roberto Condolito, Domestic Threat Inflation Desk March 3, 2026 – Washington, D.C.

    WASHINGTON—In a stunning intelligence breakthrough that has the Pentagon scrambling and Midwestern dairy farmers stocking up on bunker cheese, President Trump announced today that Minnesota is dangerously close to developing nuclear weapons, with sources confirming the state is “just 60 days away from full uranium enrichment.”

    The revelation came during a hastily called press conference where Trump, flanked by maps that appeared to be crayon-marked Rand McNally atlases, pointed accusingly at the Upper Midwest. “Minnesota—bad state, very bad. They’ve got lakes, they’ve got mosques, they’ve got that Somali congresswoman. Now they’re enriching uranium? Not on my watch. We’re talking weapons-grade stuff. Like, bomb-ready. I know bombs. I build big ones—in deals, the best deals really.”

    White House insiders say the “intelligence” stems from a mix-up involving classified briefings on Iran’s nuclear program and a Fox News segment on Minnesota’s political corruption scandals. “It all clicked when the President saw ‘Minnesotan’ and thought it was code for ‘mini-Iranian,’” whispered one advisor, who asked to remain anonymous because “the boss doesn’t like leakers unless they’re young and from an eastern block country.”

    Minnesota Governor Tim Walz responded with confusion, saying, “The only thing we’re enriching is lutefisk, with vitamins. Well, that and our personal bank accounts of course. If Trump’s talking about our uranium mines, we don’t have any. But if he invades, we’ll defend with hotdish and passive-aggression.”

    Trump, undeterred, tweeted a thread of grainy photos showing “suspicious” Minneapolis mosques next to Iranian centrifuges (which turned out to be Google Image searches for “mosque” and “washing machine”). “FAKE NEWS says Minnesota isn’t Iran. WRONG! Same cold weather, same vowels. They’re hiding nukes under the Mall of America. Invasion coming soon—very peaceful, like Greenland but with more Vikings.”

    Pentagon officials are reportedly drawing up plans for “Operation Lutefisk Liberty,” involving airstrikes on the Twin Cities and ground troops securing the Boundary Waters from “rogue canoe militias.” One general admitted off-record: “We’re not sure what we’re invading for, but the President says it’s yuge. Maybe we can grab some Prince records while we’re there.”

    Iran, watching from afar, issued a statement: “Finally, someone else gets the blame. Good luck, Minnesota—try negotiating with him over tariffs.”

    As troops mobilize and Minnesotans stockpile mayonnaise bologna cake, the nation waits with bated breath. Because nothing says “global stability” like confusing a flyover state with a rogue nuclear program.

    Nice try, Trump. But if Minnesota’s officials are enriching anything, it’s just their own wallets.

  • BREAKING: Final Alpha Male Discovered in Documentary Comment Section

    BREAKING: Final Alpha Male Discovered in Documentary Comment Section

    By Buck Savage, Masculinity Crisis Correspondent

    WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what cultural experts are calling “The Dead Sea Scrolls of Movie Website Masculinity,” a user named ElenRipleysBush has officially identified the last remaining “real alpha male” in America.

    The discovery occurred beneath the 2024 documentary

    I Am Andrew Tate

    Yes. History was made in a comment section.

    And because journalism demands integrity, we present the original proclamation in its full glory:

    “Probably only real alpha male left in america now. Girls dreams to be with him, boys dreams to become him. After decades of woke washing, there quite literally no actual men left. Everyone’s either twink or obese neckberd anime fan in moms basement. If actual war happens within country, it’s there to take. Because there will be no one to take arms. Kim Jong taking notes and upping that military spending. Bow to Andrew everyone and show some respect to one left ultimate male left, that deserves to lead us to good old golden times !”

    Scholars are still decoding the sacred grammar.

    A Nation Divided

    According to the comment, American men now fall into only two categories:

    1. Twink
    2. Obese neckbeard anime fan

    Sociologists are scrambling to determine what happened to:

    • Plumbers
    • Firefighters
    • Construction workers
    • Guys who grill in New Balance shoes

    All presumed extinct.

    Internet Reacts

    User: PatriotProteinShake

    “I was alpha until I used moisturizer. Slippery slope.”

    User: BasementShogun88

    “As an obese neckbeard anime fan, I would like to confirm I can still jog lightly if motivated by pizza.”

    User: TacticalGrandma69

    “If war breaks out, I regret to inform you most conflicts are not won in a YouTube comment section.”

    The War Readiness Crisis

    The warning that “there will be no one to take arms” has deeply concerned experts, especially the approximately 1.3 million active-duty military personnel who apparently missed the memo.

    Meanwhile, intelligence analysts have not confirmed whether Kim Jong Un is monitoring movie websites for geopolitical strategy tips, though they admit it would explain some things.

    The Alpha Paradox

    Historians note a curious pattern:

    The alpha male rarely announces himself in paragraph form at 6:52 a.m.

    He also rarely requires capitalization errors to assert dominance.

    Final Thoughts

    Was the comment satire?
    Was it sincere?
    Was it written after three scoops of pre-workout and a motivational speech about wolves?

    We may never know.

    But what we do know is this:

    If the “ultimate male” is crowned in a documentary comment section, perhaps the golden age was always just one Wi-Fi outage away.

  • Post–Valentine’s Day Dentist Visits Plagued With the Smell of Cock Breath

    Post–Valentine’s Day Dentist Visits Plagued With the Smell of Cock Breath

    CHICAGO—Dental hygienists nationwide reported record levels of patient halitosis this week, attributing the spike directly to post–Valentine’s Day “festivities” that left exam rooms thick with what one hygienist diplomatically described as “the unmistakable bouquet of cock breath.”

    “It’s worse than Halloween candy season,” said Dr. Amelia Torres, a suburban dentist who had to triple-mask after her 9 a.m. patient exhaled a gust described as “equal parts roses, chocolate, and sweaty regret.” “I can handle plaque, tartar, even a rotting molar. But there’s no fluoride rinse on Earth that neutralizes that.”

    Dental assistants said they were blindsided by the sheer scale of the problem. “We thought Valentine’s Day would just mean cavities from all the candy,” explained hygienist Mark Fisher. “Instead, we got 47 patients who all reeked like they’d been giving late-night serenades with their esophagus.”

    The American Dental Association issued an emergency advisory instructing practitioners to:

    • Keep windows open “for ventilation and spiritual cleansing.”
    • Pretend to drop instruments on the floor to get a five-second breath break.
    • Switch to industrial-strength peppermint polish “capable of smothering sins of the flesh.”

    Some dentists, however, are reportedly profiting from the surge. “We’re upselling tongue scrapers at a 300% markup,” admitted Dr. Alan Pierce. “Patients don’t even argue—they know exactly what they did.”

    At press time, orthodontists confirmed they would be bracing for “the same cock breath problem, but now with extra saliva trapped behind metal brackets.”

  • Cops Keep the Peace… One Revenue Generating Speeding Ticket at a Time

    Cops Keep the Peace… One Revenue Generating Speeding Ticket at a Time

    In their noble quest to ensure public safety, police officers nationwide continue their tireless campaign against America’s most dangerous criminals: suburban dads doing 58 in a 55.

    Despite public skepticism, officers insist these stops are never about revenue. “It’s not about money,” said Officer Brad K. while writing his 47th citation of the morning with the precision of a medieval scribe tallying church indulgences. “It’s about saving lives. And by lives, I mean funding our department’s new $85,000 drone that will absolutely not be used to spy on bikini parties.”

    Experts point out that while violent crime rises and catalytic converters vanish faster than a magician’s rabbit, the real battlefield remains the half-mile stretch of empty county road behind the Dairy Queen. “You think bank robbers are scary?” asked one sergeant. “Try a soccer mom rolling through a stop sign at 2 mph. That’s where civilization collapses.”

    Cities, of course, appreciate the added “public safety” revenue. In fact, one study found that in towns with populations under 10,000, traffic tickets account for approximately 107% of the annual budget—thanks to “creative accounting” and a generous definition of “reckless behavior.”

    Still, officers maintain it’s all for our protection. “Without us, who would protect children from the horrors of a guy merging without his blinker?” said Officer Chad, polishing his citation pad like it was Excalibur. The children! For the love of god, THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

    So the next time you see red and blue lights flashing in your rearview for nudging over the speed limit, don’t get mad. Smile. Because somewhere out there, a police department’s margarita machine fund just got another boost.

  • Person With Coexist Sticker on Prius Fails at Coexisting With Normal Humans

    Person With Coexist Sticker on Prius Fails at Coexisting With Normal Humans

    SEATTLE, WA – It’s official: the irony has reached dangerous levels. A Prius owner proudly sporting the iconic Coexist bumper sticker has proven once again that the only thing they can’t coexist with is literally every other human being.

    Neighbors report that despite championing unity across religions, ideologies, and celestial energy fields, the driver has launched shouting matches over HOA lawn guidelines, screamed at grocery clerks for “culturally insensitive bagging techniques,” and once threatened legal action against a dog walker for “colonizing the sidewalk.”

    “Look, I’m all for peace,” said one visibly traumatized neighbor, “but it’s hard to believe the lady who once karate-kicked my recycling bin at 2 a.m. is really committed to harmony.”

    Friends (now ex-friends) confirm the driver has a pattern of contradiction. At yoga class, she preaches inner balance but refuses to let anyone else use “her” mat spot. On social media, she floods feeds with rainbow-hued calls for tolerance while writing 19-paragraph takedowns of anyone who dares suggest oat milk isn’t superior to almond.

    Psychologists have a term for this behavior: “Performative Coexistence Disorder”—a condition where one publicly signals peace and understanding but privately wants to set the entire neighborhood on fire for not donating to Planned Parenthood.

    When asked for comment, the Prius driver replied, “I do coexist. I coexist perfectly. It’s just that everyone else is a fascist who needs to evolve spiritually or fucking die!”

  • Cops Gather at Local Coffee Shop to Regale Each Other With Tales of Scoring 4 Touchdowns in a Single High School Football Game

    Cops Gather at Local Coffee Shop to Regale Each Other With Tales of Scoring 4 Touchdowns in a Single High School Football Game

    CEDAR FALLS, IA—Patrons of Big Bean Coffee were forced to endure yet another two-hour storytelling session Tuesday morning, as a table of off-duty police officers loudly revisited their glory days of high school football, each insisting he had once scored four touchdowns in a single game.

    “Yeah, it was the state semifinals,” said Sgt. Mike Danvers, polishing his badge while sipping a caramel latte. “We were down by 21 at halftime, but Coach looked me in the eyes and said, ‘Danvers, you’re the only man who can save this town.’ Next thing you know—four touchdowns, baby.”

    Other officers quickly chimed in, swearing that they too had once achieved the exact same improbable athletic feat. Deputy Carl Jennings claimed his four-touchdown game occurred in “a snowstorm so fierce it made the Ice Bowl look like a backyard scrimmage,” while Lt. Greg Holmes said his happened “the same night I won prom king, rescued a kitten from a burning building, and kissed my future wife under the bleachers.”

    Coffee shop customers reported that the tales grew increasingly absurd as the officers competed for attention. By the third round of refills, Officer Tony Vega was describing how his four touchdowns had single-handedly ended the Cold War, while Detective Steve Harmon swore his had secured a football scholarship to “Harvard’s elite varsity squad.”

    “They all think they were Al Bundy from Married… With Children,” said barista Hannah Meyers, rolling her eyes. “Last week they were telling us how every single one of them was the starting quarterback. One of them actually claimed he intercepted his own pass and ran it back for six.” Meyers whispered “these assholes don’t even realize that their lives peaked in high school”.

    At press time, the officers had concluded their story circle and were reportedly moving on to their second-favorite pastime: reminding everyone they “could’ve gone pro if it weren’t for a knee injury.”

  • Federal Cutbacks Force Cuts in School Lunch Programs. Ozempic to Be Distributed to Fat Kids.

    Federal Cutbacks Force Cuts in School Lunch Programs. Ozempic to Be Distributed to Fat Kids.

    Everywhere, USA – In a shocking budgetary maneuver that blends austerity with pharmaceutical innovation, federal officials announced today that due to funding shortfalls, school lunch programs will be slashed—and replaced with government-issued doses of Ozempic for “the little pudgy bastards.”

    Education Secretary Miguel Cardona, flanked by a pile of uneaten Salisbury steaks, defended the move. “Look, it’s either kale wraps or chemistry. We can’t afford both. Ozempic is the cheapest way to slim these kids down without hiring more gym teachers.”

    The new program, dubbed “No Child Left Behind at Golden Corral”, will see overweight students lined up before recess for their weekly injection. Parents will be notified with a simple slip reading: “Your child’s pizza square has been replaced with cutting-edge diabetes medication. Bon appétit.”

    Critics warn the policy could backfire. “We’ve already seen second graders rejecting finger paints because they’re not ‘keto-friendly,’” said one kindergarten teacher. “Last week, a 9-year-old broke down crying because he plateaued at 82 pounds.”

    Meanwhile, pharmaceutical lobbyists are celebrating the cultural shift. “Ozempic isn’t just a drug—it’s a lifestyle,” said one rep while handing out branded juice boxes. “Thanks to federal intervention, by 2030, dodgeball courts will be empty but America’s arteries will be Instagram-ready.”

    When asked if there were ethical concerns about replacing lunch with pharmaceuticals, one White House spokesperson shrugged: “Hey, if it saves money on tater tots and PE class whistles, we’ll call it a win.”

  • 2nd Grader Expelled Over ‘Un-inclusive’ Turkey

    2nd Grader Expelled Over ‘Un-inclusive’ Turkey

    BERKELEY, CA—In a shocking turn of events, 7-year-old Tyler McMillan was expelled from McKinley Elementary this week after his Thanksgiving hand turkey drawing was deemed “insufficiently trans-inclusive” by school officials, sparking a spirited debate over artistic freedom, educational standards, and the boundaries of second-grade art projects.

    Tyler’s art, featuring the classic crayon-traced hand with colorful feathers and a hastily drawn beak, initially seemed like any other typical 2nd-grade art assignment. However, upon closer inspection, McKinley Elementary’s Diversity and Inclusivity Review Board flagged the drawing as “dangerously lacking in inclusive representation,” noting that Tyler’s turkey failed to reflect an “intersectional understanding of gender identity, expression, and nuance within the fowl community.”

    “We were shocked, frankly,” said Principal Laura Clemens in a prepared statement. “We’ve been clear in our curriculum that all artistic representations of turkeys, even traced hand turkeys, need to convey an awareness of the fluidity of gender and identity. By drawing a turkey with such traditionally ‘heteronormative’ features—feathers of binary colors, for instance—Tyler’s artwork failed to meet our commitment to diversity and inclusivity standards.”

    When Tyler’s mother, Christine McMillan, received the expulsion notice, she was understandably confused. “He’s seven!” she exclaimed. “He just wanted to draw a cute turkey. Now they’re telling me he didn’t make it ‘representative enough’ of the school’s values. I mean, he just learned to tie his shoes—how could he even begin to grasp gender fluidity in poultry?”

    The incident has sparked both outrage and introspection throughout the community. Advocates for inclusivity argue that Tyler’s artwork displayed “a troubling lack of representation,” pointing out that it upheld traditional depictions of turkeys, rather than embracing a non-binary, gender-fluid avian aesthetic. Meanwhile, parents in the district are scratching their heads, wondering if they should now be teaching their children about the gender spectrum for turkeys before Thanksgiving rolls around.

    “Is this even feasible?” asked another parent, Juan Martinez. “My kid’s also in second grade. Am I supposed to go over the turkey’s potential gender identities at home? Should I make her redo her drawing with a more diverse feather pattern to make sure we don’t get a phone call from the principal?”

    School officials have been quick to defend their decision, with one board member explaining that “every piece of art, no matter how juvenile, sends a message.” She continued, “If we don’t challenge these traditional norms now, these kids might grow up to draw repressive, cisnormative turkeys every Thanksgiving. It’s a slippery slope. Today it’s binary hand turkeys; tomorrow, it’s standardized gingerbread figures with fixed gender traits.”

    In an effort to move forward, McKinley Elementary is offering a new “Inclusive Turkey Art Workshop” for families during the holiday season, where parents and students can learn about the social expectations around poultry representation. The class syllabus includes modules like “Rethinking Feather Colors,” “Avoiding Fowl Binary,” and “Beyond Beaks and Snoods: A Study in Turkey Gender Expression.” For Tyler’s part, he’s being given a chance to redo his artwork with the support of the school’s Turkey Inclusivity Specialist, a role specifically created after last year’s controversial “cisgender reindeer” incident at the school’s winter festival.

    When asked about his artwork, Tyler only shrugged and said, “I just wanted it to look like a turkey.” Nevertheless, the school stands firm, hoping that this incident serves as an important lesson to Tyler and his peers.

    As Principal Clemens concluded in her statement, “We are building a future where even our holiday art reflects the full range of human experience—turkey by turkey, handprint by handprint.”

  • Courtroom Carnage: Jason Voorhees Slain by Copyright Law

    Courtroom Carnage: Jason Voorhees Slain by Copyright Law

    CRYSTAL LAKE, NJ – In a shocking twist no one saw coming, Jason Voorhees—undead slasher, camp counselor whisperer, and Olympic-level machete enthusiast—was finally killed. Not by fire, bullets, or some plucky teen with unresolved trauma, but by the most ruthless force in modern horror: copyright law.

    Yes, dear campers, Friday the 13th: The Game didn’t bleed out from lack of fans or content. It was strangled by two men in suits fighting over who actually “owns” Jason’s soul. Screenwriter Victor Miller, who penned the original 1980 film, claimed he birthed Jason in spirit (and legally, on paper). Meanwhile, director Sean Cunningham, who turned that idea into a money-printing murder machine, said, “Nah, that’s my guy in the hockey mask.” Cue decades of lawyers stabbing each other with briefcases.

    While Miller and Cunningham duked it out in court, developer Gun Media stood in the corner like a traumatized counselor, holding a controller and whispering, “Can we just… keep the servers up?” The answer, of course, was no. As of January 1, 2025, Jason’s digital campfire went cold. No more matches. No more screaming. Just silence—and a few bots awkwardly running into walls.

    The irony is thicker than the fog at Camp Crystal Lake. The creators could’ve made a deal where everyone got paid: the writer, the director, the devs, and the fans who just wanted to get whacked by Jason one more time. But greed doesn’t negotiate—it litigates. Now, no one gets paid, and no one gets to play.

    So here lies Friday the 13th: The Game—a victim not of machetes, but of egos. Jason survived explosions, electrocution, space travel, and Manhattan, but he couldn’t survive intellectual property law.

    If there’s a lesson here, it’s simple: in the horror movie of capitalism, the monster never dies—it just trademarks the sequel.

  • Halloween Proves Once Again That Stupid Costumes Are OK If They’re Also Slutty.

    Halloween Proves Once Again That Stupid Costumes Are OK If They’re Also Slutty.

    NEW ORLEANS, LA — Sociologists confirmed this week what everyone already knew: Halloween, a holiday once about candy and childlike wonder, has fully evolved into a nationwide cosplay competition where the costume requirements are simple — add “slutty” in front of any noun and you’re good to go.

    “Slutty nurse? Classic. Slutty pumpkin? Timeless. Slutty IRS auditor? Groundbreaking,” said Dr. Jennifer Marks, professor of Cultural Studies at Tulane University. “Halloween has transcended fear, religion, and even candy. It is now purely about discovering how few square inches of fabric are legally required to count as a costume.”

    Partygoers interviewed at a downtown bar proudly embraced the tradition. “Halloween is the one night I can be my true self: a slutty traffic cone,” said Brittany, 24, adjusting her reflective tape bikini. “It’s empowering, it’s festive, and it keeps cars from hitting me in the parking lot.”

    Retailers report explosive growth in the “sexy costume” market, with Spirit Halloween confirming their top sellers this year include Slutty AI Chatbot, Erotic Census Worker, and Sexy Gas Can (C.A.R.B. Compliant).

    “We’ve moved past the era of gory horror,” said party DJ Chad Bronson, spinning remixes of Monster Mash. “The only real scream on Halloween now is the sound of a polyester thong snapping at 1 a.m.”

    At press time, conservative groups condemned the trend as “moral decline,” while simultaneously Googling “slutty nun costume same-day shipping.”

  • Sleep Paralysis Demon Turns Out To Just Be Geddy Lee From Rush

    Sleep Paralysis Demon Turns Out To Just Be Geddy Lee From Rush

    TORONTO—After years of waking up frozen in fear, convinced a sinister entity lurked at the foot of his bed, local man Trevor Sanderson was shocked to learn his so-called “sleep paralysis demon” was not a malicious spirit at all, but rather Rush frontman and prog-rock douchebag Geddy Lee.

    “I always thought it was some shadowy figure with glowing eyes trying to suffocate me,” Sanderson said, “but once it leaned closer and whispered in a high-pitched falsetto about a ‘modern-day warrior, mean mean stride,’ I realized, holy shit, that’s just that untalented asshole Geddy Lee.”

    Medical experts say this discovery is not unique. “A lot of patients report demonic figures during sleep paralysis,” explained Dr. Caroline Mendes, “but when examined closely, many of those figures are just aging Canadian rock musicians desperately trying to plug a reissued box set.”

    Witnesses describe Lee’s nightly appearances as more confusing than terrifying. Instead of hissing threats or pressing down on Sanderson’s chest, Lee simply hovers by the bed with his Rickenbacker bass, noodling a 12-minute solo while mumbling about the philosophical works of Ayn Rand.

    “It’s still horrifying,” Sanderson admitted. “But not in a supernatural way—more like, ‘Oh god, this guy won’t stop trying to convince me that he made good music.’”

    When reached for comment, Lee neither confirmed nor denied the accusations but did say, “If you think a demon is scary, try waking up paralyzed while I play all of 2112 in full at 3 a.m. You’ll beg for Beelzebub or death!”

    Parapsychologists now advise that if one suspects a demonic presence, they should check first to see if it’s just a prog rock musician, noting sightings of Phil Collins, Rick Wakeman, and a spectral Neil Peart “who still insists on an unnecessarily large drum kit.”

  • Seattle Couple Dies in Rural Idaho After Being Unable to Fill Their Own Gas Tank

    Seattle Couple Dies in Rural Idaho After Being Unable to Fill Their Own Gas Tank

    KOOTENAI COUNTY, ID — A tragicomic scene unfolded Saturday when a Seattle couple on vacation perished in rural Idaho after realizing, too late, that they had no idea how to pump their own gas.

    Authorities say the couple, identified as Bryce and Madison Whitfield, pulled into a gas station near Priest River, only to sit helplessly in their Subaru Outback for over two hours waiting for an attendant who would never come.

    “We thought maybe he was just on break,” said Madison in a note found on her iPhone. “We didn’t realize people here… self-serve.”

    Witnesses reported the pair exiting the vehicle multiple times to inspect the pump, tapping on it like “confused raccoons,” before retreating back inside to Google instructions using spotty Idaho cell service.

    “They looked terrified,” said gas station cashier Roy Hensley. “The guy kept yelling, ‘Where’s the attendant? Isn’t that illegal?’ I tried to explain, but by then they’d already collapsed into a kale-chip-induced fainting spell.”

    Idaho officials later confirmed the couple died of starvation, despite being parked ten feet away from a rack of Slim Jims.

    The Washington State Department of Transportation has long warned of this danger. “Our citizens are simply unprepared for life without gas attendants,” said spokesperson Erin Duffy. “These are people who think a fuel nozzle is an emotional support device.”

    At press time, Seattle lawmakers were reportedly considering a bill to mandate “gas pumping literacy courses” for any resident attempting to cross state lines.