national
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From threats to vibes: AI stoned
SILICON VALLEY, CA—Programmers Furiously Work to Create Digital Cannabis in Hopes of Getting Google Gemini to Calm the…
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Snowflakes Go Literal for $150K
Brooklyn, NY – Americans Can Now Cryo-Freeze Themselves to Skip Trump’s Next Term. In a move straight out…
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8-bit chaos-Netflix style
ARLINGTON, TX — Netflix Pays Homage to Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! by Streaming Fight in 8-Bit Format. In a…
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Round 1: Who’s Jake Paul?
LAS VEGAS, NV — Jake Paul Preemptively Buys Wheelchair and Ventilator in Preparation for Tonight’s Fight Against Mike…
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Goldberg’s Working-Class Complex
STUDIO 23 – NEW YORK CITY – In what experts are calling the latest twist in the View…
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The Beyoncé of beverages lands
Brooklyn, NY – Hipster Bartender Invents Gayest Drink Ever: The Pumpkin Spice Martini. In a groundbreaking move that…
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Thomas Edison’s Midnight Legacy
MENLO PARK, NJ – Asshole Thomas Edison blamed for fucking up human sleep patterns since 1879. In a…
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From orbit to order: Astronauts’ next mission: Chili’s.
OUTER SPACE, EARTH – Boeing to compensate stranded astronauts with $25 meal voucher to Chili’s. In a heartwarming…
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“Artisanal” Tipping: Douchington’s Latest Money-Grab Scheme
NEW YORK, NY. – Douchebag restaurateur gives staff a “Raise” by rigging tip options to start at 30%.…
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Moochers Force Handyman’s Great Escape
TOLEDO OH. & URUGUAY – Handyman changes identity, starts new life in foreign country to avoid moochers. After…
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Manhattan Project: More Than Just a Hipster Hangout
NEW YORK – NY. Gen Z shocked to learn Manhattan Project wasn’t a pretentious coffee shop in SoHo.…
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Headline: Election Day 2024: America Holds Its Breath, and Its Sense of Humor
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA – As the sun rises on Election Day 2024, America stretches, yawns, and braces…