Burbank, CA – In a groundbreaking move that has shocked both industry analysts and casual moviegoers alike, Disney executives have unveiled a comprehensive plan to wring every last dollar out of the iconic Robert Downey Jr.
“We’ve realized that we have an untapped goldmine on our hands,” said a high-ranking Disney executive, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being pelted with rotten tomatoes. “Robert Downey Jr. is more than just an actor; he’s a cash cow, a money tree, a veritable Scrooge McDuck swimming in a vault full of Iron Man figurines.”
This realization came in the wake of the announcement that Downey Jr. would now play Doctor Doom, a character in the Marvel Universe. A Disney spokesperson issued a statement saying “After we realized that we could just keep killing off R.D.J.’s characters and dressing him up in new costumes, we realized that he was the gift that just keeps giving… to our bank accounts!”
Options include a series of live-action remakes of classic Disney films featuring Downey Jr. in every role, from Snow White to the Beast. “We’re thinking a gritty, realistic take on ‘Cinderella’ with Downey Jr. as both the Prince and the Fairy Godmother,” the executive revealed. “It’s a stretch, but we believe in our vision.”
In addition to the live-action remakes, Disney is also developing a series of spin-off shows centered around Downey Jr.’s most iconic character, Iron Man. These include “Iron Man: The Early Years,” a coming-of-age story about Tony Stark’s awkward teenage phase, and “Iron Man: The Golden Years,” a heartwarming tale about a retired superhero struggling with incontinence and arthritis.
To further capitalize on the Downey Jr. phenomenon, Disney is planning a theme park attraction called “The World of Robert Downey Jr.” where guests can experience the thrill of being a billionaire playboy philanthropist, minus the actual billions.
“We’re confident that these initiatives will ensure that Robert Downey Jr. remains a beloved and profitable member of the Disney family for generations to come,” the executive concluded. “Or at least until the public inevitably revolts.”
Cash cow
